Sandip Soparrkar: The dancing dad who has all the parenting moves

Document type: Web page copy

Publication date: 19 November 2023

It took Sandip Soparrkar four years to convince orphanages, and later the court, to grant him permission to adopt a child because he was unmarried. But Soparrkar remained determined. In 2007, the acclaimed dancer and choreographer brought home a little boy, becoming the first single man to adopt a child in India. In 2021, he became the first single father to adopt a second child when he took charge of a nine-year-old with special needs. It is believed Soparrkar inspired his student Madonna to adopt an Indian baby. He spoke to Neha Bhayana about his boys, his parenting rules and adoption
What made you want to adopt?

You had to fight a long battle …

There was a four-year-long struggle because there were no rules, or rather there were some rules but they had never been exercised by anybody. The adoption law is strange in so many ways. A woman above 18 can adopt a child, but a man needs to be above 30 to adopt. Moreover, to be considered fit for adoption, a man has to submit proof of his financial standing whereas a woman need not. I can’t say whether this is right or wrong, but I find it unfair because it took me four years to fight for the right to adopt. I had gone to so many orphanages but none even considered me. I was asked why I should get a child when a couple or single woman could take him. I was even questioned about my affairs which is odd because that has nothing to do with my ability to be a good parent. I am grateful to the orphanage Bal Anand for standing by me and giving me my son. I got Arjun home on October 3, 2007. We celebrate this day every year as his homecoming birthday.

When did you first meet Arjun?

I remember one day, suddenly, Madhavi Mhatre from Bal Anand, called me and asked me to come to meet a child. I said ‘Ma’am, I am not ready’. She said, ‘You have been waiting for four years. Of course, you are ready.’ I was so nervous. I was seated when the door opened and a little boy, just over a year old, crawled in and gave me the toy car which was in his hand. That was it. I fell in love. Imagine a child who lived in an orphanage and did not have any toys that belonged to him exclusively, still chose to give me his car. This showed that he wanted to be with me. This was the best moment of my life.

How did you handle diaper duty?

It was just something I always wanted to do since I was a teenager. There are adoption cases in my family. A few of my cousin sisters have been adopted. My favourite sister is an adopted child. When I was young, I thought I would do it when I am financially and emotionally stronger. I just took that step very naturally without thinking because I love children. I didn’t even know that I would be the first single man to adopt till it came out in the news.

You had to fight a long battle …

There was a four-year-long struggle because there were no rules, or rather there were some rules but they had never been exercised by anybody. The adoption law is strange in so many ways. A woman above 18 can adopt a child, but a man needs to be above 30 to adopt. Moreover, to be considered fit for adoption, a man has to submit proof of his financial standing whereas a woman need not. I can’t say whether this is right or wrong, but I find it unfair because it took me four years to fight for the right to adopt. I had gone to so many orphanages but none even considered me. I was asked why I should get a child when a couple or single woman could take him. I was even questioned about my affairs which is odd because that has nothing to do with my ability to be a good parent. I am grateful to the orphanage Bal Anand for standing by me and giving me my son. I got Arjun home on October 3, 2007. We celebrate this day every year as his homecoming birthday.

When did you first meet Arjun?

I remember one day, suddenly, Madhavi Mhatre from Bal Anand, called me and asked me to come to meet a child. I said ‘Ma’am, I am not ready’. She said, ‘You have been waiting for four years. Of course, you are ready.’ I was so nervous. I was seated when the door opened and a little boy, just over a year old, crawled in and gave me the toy car which was in his hand. That was it. I fell in love. Imagine a child who lived in an orphanage and did not have any toys that belonged to him exclusively, still chose to give me his car. This showed that he wanted to be with me. This was the best moment of my life.

How did you handle diaper duty?

My mom came to Mumbai (his parents stay in Pune) and stayed with us for the first 10 days after Arjun’s arrival. She taught me to change nappies, prepare the milk bottle and feed him. My parents helped whenever possible; they would come to stay with Arjun when I had to travel. But they always made it clear that my child was my responsibility. There were times when I had no help. I have literally gone with a baby in one arm and diaper bag in the other to meet a CEO. Arjun has accompanied me to 18 countries for dance shows!

What led to your second adoption?

Kabir is a Covid baby (smiles). Arjun and I used to go to Bal Anand every year to celebrate his birthday and other occasions. There, we used to meet Kabir, a three-year-old boy who was diagnosed with hearing impairment. He was so friendly; his eyes twinkled with mischief. I helped the orphanage take him to doctors to see if he could get cochlear implants. Kabir was not found to be the right candidate for the operation but I spent a lot of time with him during this process. One day, during one of the lockdowns, I don’t know what came into my mind. I was playing with him at Bal Anand and I said, ‘Come home’ and he said, ‘Yes, let’s go home’. So, I got him as a foster parent and later converted it to an adoption. He is 11 now and an integral part of the family.

Weren’t you apprehensive about taking on the responsibility of a child with special needs?

I feel the universe plays its own games. I think Kabir was meant to come into my life. In 2008, I did a show called ‘Welcome to the World of Silence’ for a charity in Nepal. I lived there for three months and choreographed 80 deaf and mute children. There was an interpreter but I felt it was important for me to connect with the children directly so I did a six-week course in sign language. I had a blast with those kids and the show was a hit. More than a decade later, I got Kabir home and the same sign language helped me communicate with him.

The first year was a bit challenging. It was difficult to make conversation with him because he had been in a Marathi medium school and their sign language is kind of different from the English sign language I knew. So, we both had to learn each other’s signs. I started reading English stories to him. I took the help of speech therapists to teach him to speak clearly (deaf children can learn to speak with therapy and special devices). He is extremely intelligent so I hope to transition him to a school where he can study with so-called normal children. Finally, we all have to integrate and live together in this world.

The cultural assumption is that women are biologically primed to be better parents. What’s your opinion?

I feel it is a big myth that only a man can do certain things and a woman can do certain things. I think both genders can do everything if they decide to do it. In India, we have always considered a woman as the carer and a man as the provider. But if you travel around the world, you realise that both genders play an equal role at home. Every evening, I finish my classes and come straight home to be with my kids. I don’t attend parties. I like to put them to sleep and wake them up. I like to ensure their dabbas are packed and uniforms are clean. I want to be there to say ‘bye’ when they leave for school and I like to be there when they return. I plan my day accordingly. I think it's a choice you make, and it does not matter whether you are a man or woman. And I'm so happy that both my boys are ‘papa’s boys’.

Parenting can get overwhelming even for a couple. What difficulties did you face as a single parent?

There were some challenging times but I never felt overwhelmed. When Arjun was around five, his school was celebrating Mother’s Day. I asked him, ‘Tell me, what do mothers do?’. He said that mothers bathe kids, feed them and look after them. I asked him, ‘Who does this for you?’. He said, 'You’. I offered to go with him and he loved the idea. I ended up being the only man at school that day. I felt privileged that I could be his mom and dad. Of course, there were some difficulties. Arjun used to throw tantrums, refusing to eat what the cook had made and begging me to make chicken or pineapple upside down cake. I had to spend hours in the kitchen, even if I had just returned from a strenuous rehearsal. When he turned 10, I put my foot down. I told him we could either order or he can cook for both of us. I would always bake a cake on his birthday though. Now that he is grown up, he has become quite fitness conscious and loves my salads.

Do you have any ground rules for the boys?

There are two important rules in our house. One, you cannot lie. Two, you have to be well-mannered. I have put up a long list of dos and don’ts in the kids’ room. They are expected to say ‘thank you’, ‘sorry’, greet people in the lift, open doors for others, and serve a glass of water to those who come home. I tell them I don’t care if their marks are good, bad or ugly. I don’t care if they come first or last. If they break something, they should come and say ‘I have broken it’. As a parent, I will still support them. Arjun follows these rules. Kabir sometimes forgets. I feel it is important to teach your child to respect people because marks come and go, money comes and goes, but what stays with you is your nature and the love you have. This takes you ahead in life.

Did your ex-wife (Jesse Randhawa) get along with Arjun? Was the separation difficult for him?

When we were dating, Jesse knew I wanted to adopt and she loved the idea. When I was planning to propose, I asked Arjun, ‘So many girls (fellow dancers) come home, who do you think I should marry?’. He said, ‘Jesse is nice’. He sat with me on the horse on my wedding day. It was great to have her support in raising him for those years (they were married from 2009 to 2016). She was involved with his parenting and they bonded well. I had another talk with him when we were separating and he agreed that it would be better for us to stay apart and be friendly than to stay together and fight. Now, when Jesse comes to Mumbai, we all hang out. It’s a great relationship because it is built on affection with no reasons or purpose. When I adopted Kabir, she came to meet him. She was amazed to see us talk in sign language and Kabir was thrilled to see the model from the photographs on the walls, sitting next to us.
Any plans for a third child?

I would love to adopt a third one. I had always dreamed of having a daughter but single men are not allowed to adopt a girl even though single women can adopt a boy. When I was married to Jesse, we tried to adopt a girl. But it did not work out. The girl we had selected tested positive for Hepatitis B. We were advised to not go ahead as there was a risk of the virus spreading to Arjun. Jesse was heartbroken because she had spent a lot of time with that girl. Eventually, I adopted Kabir. I love children but I don’t have the energy to change nappies now, so perhaps an older child.

Do your boys enjoy dancing too?

Not at all. Kabir dances a little bit for school dramas. Arjun is musically inclined; he plays the guitar. But he has no desire to dance. He is a great critic though. He has seen so many dance shows that now he tells me what works and what doesn’t. Unlike strangers, he does not flatter and I respect his advice.

Dancing is an unconventional profession for men. What message do you have for parents who stop their children from pursuing their passion and push them towards traditional careers?

My family was against me becoming a dancer. They used to say ‘dance bhi kar lena’ but I told them ‘mujhe dance bhi nahi karna, dance hi karna hai’. It took me two years to convince my father — he and my granddad were army officers. I had studied hotel management and worked in the corporate sector. I did not want to take any step without my dad’s blessing so I kept trying and he finally gave in after two years. I was the happiest that day. He now manages my Pune classes. It is normal for parents to worry about their child’s future but they should only guide and suggest, not impose. If the child does not succeed it is okay. He may fall down. As parents, we have to be there to lift him up. Arjun is 19 now and pursuing mechatronics engineering from a Chennai college. I had not even heard of this course. He educated me. Today’s kids have countless opportunities. I have nine dance centres in Mumbai, 12 across India and six abroad. I am not telling my children to come and join me so they can take care of my schools when I am old. Every child comes with his or her own destiny and we can only support their journey.

The scenario has changed from the time when you had to fight to adopt. Single parenthood is more acceptable now and many are even taking the surrogacy route.

I don’t support surrogacy. We have a lot of orphans in India and every child needs a home. If a couple can't have a biological child or if an unmarried person wishes to become a parent, they should consider adoption. Even if you have one biological child, you can adopt a second one. I don’t understand why people want their ‘own blood’. If blood was so thick, there would be no orphans in this world. These people should go to courts and see how blood relatives fight. It’s not that only a child who is born out of your body is your child. A child is your child because you love them and accept them with open arms. That’s the beauty of adoption.

Countries: India