American woman fed up with 30-year-old lie: “How do I tell my daughter that her stepbrother is actually her father?”

“How do I tell my daughter that her stepbrother is actually her father?” No, this is not a preview of the season finale of Thuis. It's a question an American woman really asks herself. She asked the 'therapist' of The Atlantic magazine for advice.

Every family has its secrets, but that of this anonymous woman from the United States is very special. In the column 'Dear therapist' she wonders how to tell her now 30-year-old daughter that the man she thinks is her father is actually her grandfather, and that the man she thinks is her stepbrother is, in reality, her real father. Can you still follow?

Actually it is less complex than it seems. When the woman met her husband more than thirty years ago, it quickly became clear that they wanted a child together. The only problem was that the man, who already had two children from a previous relationship, had already had a vasectomy performed. Too long ago to be reversible. And so the couple had to look for a sperm donor.

“We didn't want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband's son to be the donor,” the woman writes in her reader's letter. “It seemed like the best solution to us: our child would have my husband's genes and we knew my stepson's health, personality and intelligence. He agreed to help.”

“Our daughter is now 30. My husband and I are anxious, confused and worried about telling her,” she adds. “This is especially difficult for my husband, because he wants our daughter to know that he will always be her father.”

Giving space to daughter

Columnist Laura Friedman Williams, who is also a certified psychotherapist, writes the woman a response. In any case, the story will hit the 30-year-old daughter hard, says the columnist. “There are two truths she will struggle with. Not only the revelation about who her real biological father is, but also the fact that the people she thought were her parents lied to her for thirty years.”

She advises the mother to first present the facts “as simply and clearly as possible” before apologizing. According to Williams, the woman must take full responsibility for concealing the truth and must not make excuses to cover herself. Furthermore, it is important not to talk too much and to give space to her daughter's thoughts.