This is how you talk to your child about everything they hear in the press about adoptions right now - and which might give rise to more wondering and curious questions about the adoption.

We have received many inquiries from families with adopted children who experience that the children have reactions to what they hear in the press right now. The reactions are natural, but it is wise to be in them together.

Phrases like:

• Children who are separated from their parents.
• Errors in adoptions.
• Families who do not have their children.

These are just some of the phrases that abound in the press right now about adoption. Sentences which can be very violent for many children and young people with an adoption background, and these days we have heard about children who feel ostracized by Denmark, why isn't it just wonderful that I am here? And children and young people who ask their parents about, among other things

• Are there mistakes in my adoption?
• Is there something wrong with the children?
• Is it true that I am here in Denmark?
• Can you take the children back?

Of course, we recommend that you talk to your children about what they hear, in a way that corresponds to their age, and which basically assures them that an adopted family cannot be split up, and when you are adopted to Denmark, then an adoption cannot be revoked. (In relation to young people and adults, the adoption can only be revoked by the adoptee himself, as we have all seen on television and which many probably also know). 

Children may need the messages to be said many times and talked about from several angles, in which the children often show the way, and it is natural that they will go in and out of it. Some good sentences might be:

• The mistakes they talk about are mistakes between the adults.
• The adults have disagreed about how it should take place.
• There is nothing wrong with the children.
• There are a lot of people who want to adopt
• But we have to be absolutely sure that it is always done properly for the children.

For many of our children, the experiences surrounding adoption are in the body, so it is also a really good idea to mirror the child in what he feels. Be curious about what it is like for the child, what the child thinks, feels and how it is felt in the body? Perhaps you know from earlier how it feels in your child's body.

• Did you get a bit of a stomach ache there?
• Did you get a shock?    
• Wow, are there many people talking about it?

You know your child best, and it is you who your child wants to share this with. Therefore, also pay attention to yourself and make room for you to share your thoughts with other adults, so that you keep a good balance so that the child can come to you. Children are good at feeling, and they can react to us and our reactions, so it is therefore important that we strike a balance between dramatizing and trivializing. Consider whether, depending on the child's age, you can express where you are. It could be, for example:

• I actually get angry that you talk about adoption like that. We are the ones who have tried it.  
• I think the adults have to make a lot of effort when it comes to children. 
• I can see that those who write in the media do not know much or what we know about adoption.  

You can also consider talking to your network and your child's school or day care about how you talk about it at home.

Contact if necessary your PAS adviser if you need more concrete sparring about your child's reactions and expressions.

You are also welcome to contact our advice on tel. 40586666. 

On behalf of Adoption & Community

Janet Majlund
Counseling coordinator, professional advisor and special education consultant