Good advice: How to talk to your adopted child about negative adoption stories

It is important that the child does not feel alone, says the organization Adoption og Samfund.

Adoptees may be affected by the fact that international adoptions to Denmark have ceased for the time being.

This is what the organization Adoption og Samfund says, after Denmark's only adoption agency, Danish International Adoption (DIA), stopped mediating adoptions from abroad to Denmark earlier this week. This means in practice that it is currently no longer possible to adopt from abroad.

The closure takes place after doubts have arisen about conditions surrounding international adoptions to Denmark. For example, some countries are suspected of committing fraud , while other examples show children being taken from their biological parents without consent .

Since the 1970s, over 21,000 adoptees have come to Denmark via international adoption. And developments in the field can affect both adult adoptees and adoptive parents.

But the closure of DIA and stories about irregularities in adoptions can also cause great frustration for the children who live with their adoptive parents in Denmark.

This is what Janet Majlund says, who is the 2nd deputy head of Adoption and Society and is a counseling coordinator, professional advisor and special educational consultant. In addition, she is also the adoptive mother of two of her three children.

According to Janet Majlund, some adoptive parents are now in a situation where they cannot guarantee the children whether they have been adopted to Denmark with their biological parents' consent.

- But we can remove the blame and we can remove the shame from the children in the way we speak and communicate, and we can offer the children to be together in this.

Janet Majlund therefore gives three pieces of advice on what adoptive parents can do if their child is affected by the many critical stories about adoptions.

1

Children may react differently

It can be difficult to find the right balance in relation to talking to the children, as they can react very differently to the things they hear about in the school yard or see on the internet. That is why it is important to know your child's behaviour, says Janet Majlund.

- We have examples of children who get very angry and say "I hate Denmark." I hate Denmark", and we find that children do not feel they belong or feel welcome.

But the organization also sees examples of children who close themselves off or who don't want to touch the subject with their parents at all.

- You must meet the child where he is, because you must also not talk more about him than the child can grasp, says Janet Majlund.

2

Children may be afraid of being abandoned

The most important advice from Janet Majlund is that adopted children should not feel alone or go with the fear of being abandoned.

- For many, there is a greater and deeper experience that you can lose everything, because it is something they have experienced once before and which is ingrained in their bodies.

Here, Adoption and Society have also seen examples of children who suddenly have doubts about whether they belong in Danish society.

- We have some who say "but mother, should the children be sent back?". So it affects the separation anxiety that several children with an adoption background have experienced, says Janet Majlund.

Here she emphasizes that it is therefore important that as parents you ensure that the child understands that, despite the critical adoption stories in the press, it is only the child who, as an adult, can revoke his adoption and not others.

- It is important that you can show your child right now that I am here as a parent - even when things are not so easy or nice, she says.

3

Adoptive parents need to reach out to network

It is not only the children who may find it difficult after adoptions from abroad have stopped.

Parents with adopted children can also be left with many emotions when they hear about the many negative news about the adoption field.

- There I recommend that the parents get hold of their network. Many parents also know other adoptive families that they can reach out to, says Janet Majlund.

According to her, it is important that the parents talk about what they are experiencing, so that they can better accommodate the child's feelings about the subject.

- And if you are having a hard time with the child, you can use PAS advice, which is special advice for adoptive parents.

Janet Majlund also emphasizes that the PAS advice is precisely advice about adoption for the families and not therapy for either children or parents.

- If some big feelings arise in yourself that you can't act on, make sure you get help for it, in the right place, she says.