Adoption is as universal as motherhood

As an adoptive mother you are not only a parent, but often also a care provider. That is something Hoda Hamdaoui did not realize beforehand.

Hoda Hamdaoui (49) knew from an early age that she wanted to adopt a child. Together with her mother she was a big fan of the TV program Spoorloos. Crying on the couch, she saw how presenter Derk Bolt flew around the world to unite adopted children with often poverty-stricken biological parents. She decided that she also wanted to adopt a child later.

About thirty years later the time had come, and baby Damir – Arabic for 'conscience' – came into her life. She tells her story in the recently published book De Goede Mama (Pluim Publishers), in which women with a migration background talk about motherhood. She tells how she experienced the first years as a single adoptive mother. It was not an easy time. Damir was a sweet but laborious child who needed a lot of care.

After the interview with the Kantteken, she sends a few photos of her adopted son. He is now a big toddler, with sensitive eyes and a beautiful head of dark hair. Hamdaoui contributed to the book, she says, because she thinks it is important that women of color are also present in literature about motherhood. They are now barely represented. But actually, she says, her story is not about origins at all. Because motherhood is universal and so is adopting a child.

How did Damir come into your life?

'I never wanted children of my own, because there are so many children without parents who need a mother. Besides, I was single. Without anyone knowing, I started the adoption process. My file was completed in September 2018. Two months later I got the call.
Damir was born in the Netherlands. Domestic adoptions usually involve babies. And in his case, his biological Kurdish-Iraqi family wanted him to end up with a Muslim family. Ultimately the choice fell on me, a single woman. I found that surprising, but at that time there were few Muslim adoptive parents. I have spoken a lot about my faith in my file. That I found visiting the mosque as a child very enjoyable and that I also want to raise my children in an Islamic way. I deliberately made that clear. I would hate it if a parent with a Christian faith gave up a child who was then raised in an Islamic way without the knowledge of the biological mother.'

Damir was almost three months old when Hamdaoui first saw him. Adopted babies live with a crisis foster family for the first three months, so that the biological mother can possibly change her decision. "In retrospect, I think that is bad for a child, because you are pushed from mother to mother," says Hamdaoui. 'First Damir was torn away from his biological mother, then he had to get used to his temporary foster mother for three months and then I came, a stranger again. It has changed my view on adoption. There is a good chance that an adopted child will have attachment problems. Bonding already starts in the womb.'

'He talks non-stop until he falls asleep'

In The Good Mom , Hamdaoui tells how the little boy quietly follows her around the house when she is doing the housework. She writes: 'Sometimes I even trip over you because I don't see or hear that you are so close. But the moment I want to give you my full attention and take you in my arms or on my lap, you push me away. I can't get too close.'

How is your relationship with Damir now?

'We are now attached, but it took a lot of time and energy to make that happen. I reread my story in preparation for this interview. I cried for a while, it was such a difficult time then. Fortunately, things are going much better, but it is still not completely okay. I love him and he loves me of course, and I'm his mommy. But you just notice that he hasn't completely settled down after all those big changes.'

How do you notice that?

'He talks non-stop until he falls asleep. It's like: I talk, therefore I am. He is very present, as if he is afraid of being forgotten. He is also very insecure and asks for confirmation. He also asks his friends these questions: 'Do I look beautiful in this cap?'

We have followed many therapies, he and I too. I had to better tailor my way of talking and acting to him. And I still have therapies planned to do with him. In fact, as an adoptive mother you are not only a parent, but nine times out of ten you are also a care provider. That's something I didn't realize beforehand.'

Does he know he's adopted?

'Yes, I am very open about that. Unfortunately I don't have a photo of his mother. Recently he was sitting in the backseat of the car with a girlfriend. The girl asked if Damir is Moroccan. I said that I am, but Damir is not. The girl asked if Damir also has a father. Then I replied that everyone has a father, but I don't know who Damir's father is and where he is. She didn't really understand that, and when I explained it I noticed that Damir was listening intently. He's a curious child anyway.'

How does your family feel about you having adopted a child?

'Very special. Nobody knew I was doing this. It wasn't until I got the call from the Child Protection Council that I told my mother. I thought: who knows, I might not have a child at all, so I'll keep the adoption process to myself. It was lonely not telling, but then you don't get well-intentioned interference. Some family members were a little shocked. My mother actually really liked it, because she is a real grandmother, she loves children. She did say, “Oh, people will talk.” Then she means about me, an unmarried Muslim woman who has a child. "How did she have that child?" But then my mother said, and I really liked that, "Let them talk." And she's just crazy about him too. Damir sometimes says 'mama' to her. So she also feels motherly to him.'

Do you raise your child differently than your mother?

'My mother also raised children on her own during the first few years. We were still living in Morocco at the time, my father was working here in the Netherlands. Of course she had financial support, and that's different when you're a single mother. My parents are illiterate. They raised their children as they had learned. And I do some things from a book and from my own feelings, but there are also many similarities. My mother is also always a bit overprotective. And I already knew that I am strict, and my upbringing is also a bit strict. In that sense I differ from Dutch parents, who often leave children very free.'

What do you mean?

'I notice that children of real Dutch parents are allowed to do anything. Being rude, running through a restaurant, there are hardly any consequences. In that respect I am more Moroccan. You must behave and respect elders. You are not allowed to shout everything that comes into your head.

The only other difference used to be in my youth, and now I see it again. When children came to my house, they were guests and therefore could eat anything they wanted. But when I played with a Dutch child, there wasn't much to eat. I still remember picking up a girlfriend as a teenager. It was evening. They were just sitting down to the table and I had to wait a while without them asking me if I wanted anything. So I never told my mother, because then I would never be allowed to visit there again. I looked at it differently and thought: 'That's just how most Dutch people are. That I have to wait and watch them eat.”

What do you think will happen next for you and Damir?

'I would like everything to be okay with him, because I am worried. On the other hand, I know he is making great strides. So many things are already going better. But new phases are also coming, such as last year when he went to primary school. I'm worried about having to raise an adolescent boy soon. I actually hope that he will have another father and that I won't have to raise him alone, because it's really hard. Furthermore, he is just a very nice child, I hope he can enjoy life. When I saw him for the very first time, I thought, 'He has an old soul.' He also had three gray hairs on his baby's head. And now: one moment he acts younger than he is, almost like a toddler, but the next moment he can be very caring and worried. Then I think: 'Poor boy, you don't have to do that, you're still a child.'