Friends Annick, An Sheela and Sheela are all adopted

Friends Annick (37), An Sheela (42) and Sheela (41) lead different lives, but have one thing in common: all three were adopted from India. and they know what you struggle with when you don't know exactly where you come from. “Adoption is not always a fairy tale.”

Recognition and recognition

“Recognition and acknowledgment. I find that with An Sheela and Sheela and all those other adopted children from our Facebook community. For example, if I say, "I don't know exactly who I am," they know exactly what I mean by that. It is something that unites us. What problems do you face if you don't know who your biological parents are? How does it feel when the start of your life is unclear and what you know about it may be based on lies? What do you struggle with? These are things that we discuss when we see each other during meeting days.” Annick is speaking. In 2008, she was only fifteen when she wanted to meet other adopted children. Together with her mother, she founded the Facebook group Adoption Link, for children adopted from India and their parents. Initially a friendly group that exchanged messages and saw each other occasionally, years later it became a more serious community. On which members post messages and photos, but which also organizes and undertakes all sorts of things.
The club received more and more members from the Netherlands and Belgium. At a certain point, Annick was no longer able to manage everything on her own. In 2017 she asked An Sheela to help, and a year later Sheela too. The three of them are trying to take the Facebook group to an even higher level. Together they organize meeting days and information evenings about DNA tests, for example. The three also fight against illegal adoption in their home country Belgium. Even though their adoption stories are completely different, the trio feels connected to each other and to the members of their community.
Annick: “In the fourteen years that I have been working on this, the adopted children have grown up. Many have started families or have now made a roots trip to India. Sometimes they find what they are looking for, but often it is impossible. India is a very large country and the government discourages adopted children from searching for their biological parents. It is simply not done. The moral is: let the past be.”

Terminally ill

“I was four and a half years old when I came here from India. I had a fantastic childhood, I was able to study and was given all kinds of opportunities to develop myself. But I also wondered where I came from, who my parents were. My mother's name was known, I knew nothing about my father. About five years ago I had my DNA registered with an international DNA bank. I was lucky enough to find a brother and an uncle that way. Through them I found out that my father was still alive. I was pregnant with my son at the time, he is now almost four years old.
My father turned out to be terminally ill, he suffered from a muscle disease. If I wanted to see him again, I had to hurry. I traveled to India and visited him. He had a baby picture of me in his wallet, all crumpled up, but still. That little detail touched me: for me it was a sign that I belonged to him. I also recognized something of myself in him. My father was emotional, he felt guilty about how things turned out in the past. He couldn't take care of me. On the other hand, he was also down to earth: things go the way they go and you can't change the past. He didn't want to talk about my biological mother.
Meeting my father was nice. Searching for someone for thirty years and seeing him just before his death is a gift. He was able to answer many of my questions, although the reunion also raised new questions. Is the muscular disease he suffered from hereditary? What was the relationship like between him and my mother? The latter in particular is a matter of guesswork. But I can't complain. I realize very well that I know more than most of us. An Sheela and Sheela, for example, both have no concrete connection with their biological parents.”

Special experience

An Sheela: “That's right. You are lucky. But you know, your story encourages me to become more active in my search for more answers. Before that, I was in India in April. I have always been told that I am from Calcutta. But from brief information I received from India itself, it appears that I come from a completely different region. The only concrete information I have about my birth parents is my mother's name and the date she gave me up. She was young and unmarried and therefore could not take care of me, the papers state. I think: is that information correct? You just start to have doubts when you are told first one thing and then another. I suspect serious mistakes were made during my adoption.
When I was last in India, I looked for my family, but that's a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack. This trip was special for me because it was an out of the box roots trip. I lived with locals to experience daily life. I immersed myself in the area and the different religions. That has brought me something. I felt good there, like I was coming home. My senses were wide open: wonderful, those Asian scents and bright colors. And to top it all off, I recognized a place from one of my recurring dreams. That was a special experience. The taste in my mouth changed, as if my body was signaling: you've been here before. I had a wonderful encounter in the children's home, a woman recognized me. As a teenager, she often bottle-fed me and walked around with me, she said. I believe her, there was something familiar about her. These kinds of events soften the loss of my biological parents a little.”

Six hands on one stomach

Sheela: “I can imagine everything about that. Unfortunately, for me it is a bit more complicated. The first line of my adoption file reads: father and mother unknown. Reading that is always difficult. According to the file, I was exposed. Left behind by someone. I don't know anything else. Very painful. An important piece of the puzzle is missing. Not a side, but something in the middle so you can't see the whole thing. I struggled with that for a long time, especially as an adolescent and young adult. Nowadays things are better. I am happy with myself, despite that false start in life.
Actually, I wasn't that concerned with my adoption and roots anymore. Until Annick asked me if I would like to help her with the Facebook group and the activities she organizes. The nice thing about Annick is that she makes contacts and brings people together in a very spontaneous, disarming way. I thought about it for a few days and then went in without expectations. I had no intention of delving deeply into my adoption history. And now look at me. I thoroughly examined my adoption file again and attended workshops to gain a better grip on the matter. I have also studied what adoption does to a person, wondering what it has done to me. I'm even going to study in September, because I want to make a professional difference to people who are struggling with their adoption history. An Sheela and Annick are also working on that. We share a special friendship. We are six hands on one stomach. We have contact almost every day, sometimes live, but often quickly via WhatsApp. We have an implicit contract that we can always turn to each other for everything. For a futility, but also for serious things. And the good thing is: because there are three of us, someone always answers.”

Shared sorrow

Annick: “We don't have to talk or discuss endlessly, we usually understand each other without words. Our stories and our lives are completely different, but we share the fact that we were born in India. This ensures a very close contact. We often know exactly when we should leave someone alone or when we should be there extra for her.”
An Sheela: “I lost my best friend at the beginning of this year. She died far too young. That's tough for everyone. But Annick and Sheela know that such a loss hits an adoptee especially hard, precisely because we had to deal with the loss of our biological parents at an early age. You relive the trauma. And you feel an emptiness inside: who am I without the other person? My friends understand that.” Annick: “Shared sorrow is half sorrow, it really works that way. If I have a bad day, I share it with An Sheela and Sheela. But also the nice things: I recently got married. A fantastic day that they should not miss.”

Illegal adoptions

Sheela: “Due to circumstances I no longer have contact with my adoptive parents. Maybe that's why I see Annick and An Sheela as my chosen family. They are like sisters to me. Together we do everything we can to fight against illegal adoption from India to Belgium, where we live. A resolution was recently adopted – unanimously – in the Belgian parliament. In short, it was recognized that a lot had gone wrong in the past with adoptions and that there were illegal adoptions. That was an emotional moment of jubilation for all three of us: an official confirmation that adoption is not always a fairy tale. Finally."
An Sheela: “That statement also means that we can, for example, change our name without lengthy procedures. At first my name was only An, very western. But that name doesn't fully reflect who I am. So it has now become An Sheela, a mix of my Belgian and Indian origins. Integrating my Indian name makes me more complete.”
Sheela: “I hope that one day this statement will also provide more peace of mind. All three of us have been very angry at everything and everyone. Adoption agencies, the country of origin, the government… So many mistakes have been made. But staying angry doesn't help. Bitterness does not help us. Instead, we need to listen to the stories of all parties involved in our adoptions. Who knows, we may find even more answers. In addition, we must also look ahead.”

India close by

Annick: “Agree. I see the future as rosy. The three of us have a strong bond. One for life. I have had a lot of contact with my uncle since my trip to India. He regularly goes to an internet café to chat. He told me that he tried to take care of me after I was born, but because I needed a lot of expensive medication for asthma, he had to give me up with pain in his heart. My mother, who was only eighteen at the time, thought it was a temporary solution. She looked for me in various orphanages, but it was too late, I had already left abroad. My mother was never able to handle this well. Ultimately she committed suicide. All very sad. Through the stories my uncle tells me, I get to know my family a little better. What is certain is that India has become an even bigger part of my life. I love my country of birth, its people and the food and, for example, I have really fallen in love with the colorful Indian fashion. Do you know what my big dream is? Start a shop here selling Indian clothing. Maybe with my uncle's help we can do it. This is how I bring a little bit of India here.”

Knowing more?

Adoption Schakel is a closed Facebook group for adopted children from India. Most members come from the Netherlands and Belgium. Since August 1, Adoption Switch has been renamed Adoption Switch Connecteert. The name better reflects that the group continues to seek connections between the various parties involved in adoption.