“MY FAMILY IN KOREA THOUGHT I WAS DEAD”

Dong Hee Kim (44) discovered that her adoption from Korea was illegal and that her file was destroyed by the Dutch government. Her sadness and anger is great. “I will never know what life I missed.”

“My birth name is Dong Hee, but forty-four years ago my adoptive parents gave me the first name Stephanie. I was four months old when I came to them in Ede on a so-called adoption flight from Busan, Korea. The fact that I was adopted was often discussed and mentioned at home, and also that my adoptive parents loved me just as much as their two biological sons, my brothers. That openness was important to them. I wasn't really concerned with that myself. However, I did suffer from the fact that I always looked different from the rest. I was short and chubby, but my family consisted of white heads. My youngest adoptive brother never accepted me as a sister and often scolded me. At school I was the only Korean child, and I was bullied about that. When I saw tips for eye make-up in girls' magazines, I just thought: I don't have eyes like that.”

Letter like a bomb

“When I was 12, my adoptive mother started a search for my parents in Korea through the Wereldkinderen adoption service. She had always been determined to do it at that age, before I hit puberty. It took months before we got a response. In retrospect I understand why. That letter set off a bomb in my family's home in Korea because almost all of them thought I was dead. Only my mother knew what really happened. As a six-week-old baby, she had given me up to a home with my father's forged signature. Korea is a traditional country where boys are valued more highly than girls. A dowry also had to be paid for daughters. My parents already had three daughters and were dirt poor, my mother was illiterate. When my father was in the hospital for a few days after an accident, my mother brought me to the home out of desperation. At home she said I had died. That was possible, infant mortality was high in Korea and child funerals were rare. Only I wasn't dead, I was living my life eight thousand miles away. That is very sad for my mother, but also for my father and sisters. They knew nothing and retroactively became angry with my mother. I also feel bad for myself. I was the only one in this family given up and lost everything.”

Confusing conversations

“In the years after that first letter, I corresponded with my Korean family, but I suppressed my feelings about it. When I saw in the photos that another brother had been born after me, it was too much to comprehend. I had always been a sweet and docile child, but during puberty I became rebellious. At school I played the clown, at home I had tantrums. Within care providers, such as mental health care, there is still little knowledge about supporting people with an adoption background. In my case too, no one thought: maybe we should keep an extra eye on things here. Not even after my adoptive parents divorced. I left home when I was eighteen and in the years that followed things calmed down somewhat. When I was twenty-seven, I went to Korea for the first time, together with my adoptive parents and my then boyfriend. I enjoyed it, but it was also a culture shock. Everywhere I saw people who looked like me, with whom I belonged. I met my Korean family for the first time, which was both moving and alienating. I really wanted to hear from my parents why I had to leave, but the conversations were very confusing. It wasn't until five years later, when I was told it again, that the penny dropped. It was all so sensitive. In Korea, parents have been told for years that their child is better off in the West, and a lot of money has been made from us. As a result, my mother thought she was doing the right thing by taking me away.”

Fake files

“Relationship problems combined with adoption trauma ran like a common thread through my life. I sought refuge in a sect, which I was in for seven years. I was brainwashed into believing that all my problems were my own fault. The turning point came three years ago, when the Joustra committee released a damning report on intercountry adoption. That was an eye opener. For the first time I thought: how exactly did this happen to me? Is it really my fault? I decided that I wanted to read everything that was ever written down about my adoption, so that I could finally control my life story and perhaps one day learn to accept it. In my search I discovered that the Dutch Ministry of Justice and Security had adoption files. I requested access and was told that I needed permission from my adoptive parents. I thought that was significant. I was an adult woman, forty-two years old at the time, but the privacy and considerations of my adoptive parents and the responsible authorities apparently still took precedence over my interests. Fortunately, I already knew most of it from my file from the Child Protection Board and the Korean Adoption Service, which unfortunately few adoptees can say.

But I still didn't have everything, and from contact with other adoptees I understood that there was more. I am participating in a Korean study that shows that our files are fake, created to make children in homes and birthing clinics adoptable. That's how I discovered that this had also happened to me, that my adoption did not follow the Korean rules in force at the time. My adoptive parents thought so. When I told them that I was trafficked illegally as a baby and that a lot of money was made from it, they waved it away. Why did I want to know that, it was so long ago. In any case, they condemned my 'digging into the past'. That reaction was one of the reasons why I broke with them, although there was more to that decision.”

Right of the child

“The downplaying by my adoptive parents was not unique. The Ministry of Justice also tried to give me a piece of my mind. They informed me that unfortunately my file had been destroyed in 1999 because at that time the preservation of adoption archives was viewed differently. I was stunned. Because I am a civil servant myself, I know that there are strict rules for file destruction. We must adhere to the Public Records Act. So I immediately sent back a complaint with a whole series of questions. When I heard from other adoptees that their files had also been destroyed in 1999, all alarm bells went off. I reported it to the Government Information and Heritage Inspectorate, which decided to investigate. I also reported this to INEA, the expertise center for adoption issues. They didn't want to help me. The ministry insisted that the destruction was within the rules, but I found their explanation insufficient. That is why I decided to seek public attention for this case in the House of Representatives and the media. In August 2023, my complaint led to a hearing. I was able to tell my story to the ministry and explain that it was not up to civil servants to determine the value of our files, but up to us. The fact that files were destroyed was an unlawful act in legal terms, the OE Inspectorate concluded in its report of July 2023. But the ministry is beating around the bush. I think they're afraid they'll have to pay damages. That fear is probably justified. Perhaps the government is also afraid that this case will reveal something even bigger. Because adoption is human trafficking and that is prohibited. Although it has been regulated over the years by international treaties and national legislation, there is no neat way to have a child in exchange for a lot of money. That realization just won't sink in. If I say it out loud, it is perceived as unpleasant. Yet for decades, the personal interests, emotions and sentiments of the adoption industry have been more important than the rights of the child, the right to keep a family together. I am living proof of that. My adoption should never have happened.”

Sad and combative

“It's only been two years since I realized my adoption was illegal and it has taken its toll. I always had a sharp mind, but when I discovered the truth, I broke down and my brain started to falter. Fortunately, things are slowly improving. But I sometimes wonder when I'll ever be done with this. For example, I am considering writing to the National Ombudsman and ultimately want to hold the state liable. There are many people who, like me, have been crushed in different ways by their adoption. I want help and justice for them too. It would make a difference if we received financial support in looking for family and, for example, were reimbursed for travel costs and interpreters. But I also know that this will not happen as long as there are still waiting lists for adopted children. The fact that I will never know what life I missed because of my illegal adoption makes me angry and sad. But also combative, because I am not alone with my story. Behind the scenes I am helped by many people, such as my partner, my friends and countless experts. One day this will change, I hope. If I can do my part, everything might not have been in vain.”