Srivatsan’s journey from Chennai to Toronto to find acceptance, find his partner Saravanan, and adopt their son Sendhan, highlights their struggles and triumphs…
‘Took a Year & Many Lawyers’: A Gay Couple’s Road to Adopting Their Son & Living Their Dream
Srivatsan’s journey from Chennai to Toronto to find acceptance, find his partner Saravanan, and adopt their son Sendhan, highlights their struggles and triumphs as a gay couple.
“Papa, can a boy and boy get married?”
“Yes, of course! Daddy and I are married.”
“How about a girl and girl?”
“Yes.”
“Do you both love each other?”
Srivatsan looked through the rear-view mirror in the car at his husband Saravanan, and said a resounding “yes”, as did Saravanan.
“I’m glad you both are married,” said their son Sendhan.
This seemingly nonchalant conversation was the only one that six-year-old Sendhan needed, to understand the relationship between his fathers. There were no follow-up questions!
“Kids don’t have inhibitions and they are not judgemental. Sendhan accepted us with open arms. He even painted a rock with the words, ‘My dads rock’, and presented it to us,” Srivatsan, based out of Toronto, Canada, tells The Better India.
Anecdotes like this make one wish that adults, too, were as simple as children and understood that it’s completely okay for two men or two women to fall in love with each other. Wouldn’t life be much simpler if adults started thinking the way children do? It would have definitely made the lives of these two men easier as they embarked on a journey from Chennai to Singapore, finally settling in Toronto in search of a society that accepts them for who they are.
It would have also made it easier for them or any other gay couple who wishes to adopt a child from India. But this couple wasn’t going to let any challenges deter them from living their best lives and adopting their son, who they now call “the light of their lives”.
Srivatsan and Saravanan went through a year-long process and spent over 60,000 Canadian dollars to legally adopt Sendhan as their son.
What was the journey like for 45-year-old Srivatsan? How did he come to terms with being gay and navigating life when his parents wanted him to marry a girl, no matter what? From trying to take his own life to being out and proud, here’s his incredible story.
‘Choosing myself helped me’
From his early childhood, Srivatsan knew that he was different. He felt more comfortable with his cousin sisters than his brothers. His first crush was on a blue-eyed boy with curly hair. “I hated playing cricket in the hot sun, especially fielding; this was my first clue. Also I just always knew that there was something different about me. I couldn’t relate to the boys in class and over time, I understood that I was gay,” explains Srivatsan.
This was a time before the advent of social media and phones and a thriving LQBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer) community in India. The young boy had no one to turn to understand how he felt and share his feelings with. The absence of someone who was openly gay cost Srivatsan a lot of pain in his 20s.
The first time Srivatsan shared his sexuality with someone, all hell broke loose. Turns out that the person he shared it with was his father’s friend who violated Srivatsan’s trust by blurting out the information to his father.
“My father is a priest and tried to do conversion therapy on me. They sent me to an uncle’s place and made me do some religious activities in the hope that I would ‘change’. It was a very low point in my life. I was denied everything I liked, even books,” shares Srivatsan.
His parents refused to talk to him and were “ashamed” of what he had become, he adds. The only way out, they told him, was to marry a girl. To gain his parents’ acceptance and be a “good son”, Srivatsan even tried that.
“I wanted my parents to accept me. I went the whole nine yards and even saw a girl my parents had chosen. They felt that once I got married to a girl, everything would be okay,” adds the digital solutions consultant.
Yet, even though he wanted to make his parents happy, he realised that it couldn’t be done at the cost of his own happiness. He was torn between being true to himself and submitting to his parent’s expectations.
Despite trying his level best to conform to the standards set by society and his parents, he couldn’t live a lie. At his lowest, he tried taking his own life. “I tried ending my life to avoid bringing shame to the family. It took me 48 pills to understand that I too am important in this world. Dying, in a way, helped me understand about living. I too deserved to live,” he says emphatically.
After he chose himself and his mental health over conforming to his parent’s wishes, Srivatsan moved to Singapore when he was 26. It was here that he found himself in the truest sense. Through allies, he learnt to be comfortable with himself and love himself.
“The person I am today is an output of the many challenging times that I faced. If I had somebody like me growing up to tell me that it is okay and normal to have feelings for a person of the same sex, I would have saved myself many years and all the heartbreaks,” says Srivatsan.
It was here that almost a decade ago, he met his boyfriend and now husband, Saravanan.
‘Today, I am a proud, brown, gay man’
Srivatsan and Saravanan, who also hails from Chennai, met through a dating site in Singapore.
While Saravanan was serious from the get-go, Srivatsan didn’t know that he had found ‘the one’ right at the beginning. The 39-year-old fire protection systems designer fell in love at the end of their first date.
They found comfort in each other and eased into the relationship. While Srivatsan was “out and proud” to his family, Saravanan hadn’t come out yet.
“To build a long-term relationship, I wanted him to come out to his family, which he did. His sister was incredibly supportive of our relationship. Our relationship naturally progressed to where it is today. I’m very grateful to have him in my life,” shares Srivatsan.
They moved to Canada in 2018 and got married in May of the same year.
What made the couple happiest was the presence of a few members of their family at their wedding. Srivatsan’s mother walked him down the aisle, finally accepting her son for who he is.
The next few years were a whirlwind of happiness for the couple as they enjoyed wedded bliss. They soon adopted two dogs and considered adding a child to their family. During the same time, they found out about an accidental pregnancy of a relative in India.
“The relative was 40 at the time and already had four children. She found out very late in the pregnancy. We decided to adopt her child,” shares Srivatsan.
The adoption process was far from smooth for the couple. Since gay marriage is not legal in India, they had to adopt Sendhan through the Canadian legal system. They first brought Sendhan to Canada a few months before his fifth birthday in 2022.
“The process was complicated because our son is an Indian citizen while I am a Canadian citizen and my husband is on his way to becoming one. We brought our son here and then started the process of adoption,” shares Srivatsan.
It took more than a year, a lot of lawyers, and over 60,000 Canadian dollars before the adoption was legally processed. Yet, everything was worth it as they became parents to a beautiful, inquisitive, loving child, they share.
Seeing life in a new light
Being a parent has been one of the most rewarding experiences, shares Srivatsan. Sendhan came to them when he was five and took some time to adjust to the new environment. He was also one of the only brown children in a predominantly white neighbourhood.
“He took some time to adjust as everyone around him spoke a different language, had different food habits, and a different skin tone. The journey was bumpy and we helped him by taking him on playdates and explaining that we all come from diverse backgrounds,” shares Srivatsan.
Having this small human run around the house asking questions was fun for the new parents. They were also clear about explaining their sexuality and the fact that Sendhan was adopted by them. In a few months, he became comfortable in the new country and also with his ‘papa’ and ‘daddy’, as he calls his fathers.
“We’ve messed up so many times but that’s one of the most beautiful things about being a parent. We are learning alongside our son. To be able to see the world through my son’s eyes is a privilege,” adds the 45-year-old.
The parents enjoy taking a breather from their work to sit and play with crayons and legos and watch the world slow down as they immerse themselves into a six-year-old’s world. “How amazing and simple is the life of a child! All he cares about is playing, chasing butterflies and building sand castles at the beach. Being a parent is truly one of the most fantastic things in the world. I’m glad I got this opportunity and I am very happy,” he shares.
He is also certain that his son will be raised gently and provided space to be who he is and not be pressured to conform to societal standards.
To every LGBTQ person, Srivatsan has one message: “Your life is worth living and your happiness is worth being pursued.”
He adds that while the journey is hard, it is worth it. “First things first, if you are in an environment that is not safe, don’t shout out from the rooftops. Get to a safe space and city, educate yourself, and find a supportive community. The gay world has evolved today and there are communities in different cities. Contact them and seek help. The first instinct should be to protect yourself,” shares Srivatsan.