Saving Estonia’s abused children

Saving Estonia’s abused children

Jun 11, 2008

By Marge Tubalkain-Trell

NOT SO HAPPY TIMES: Many kids are silently suffering abuse in poorer parts of Estonia.

TALLINN - Kadi Tuusk lived in a poor suburb on the outskirts of town. She was a bright girl who did well in school. She went to Sunday school on a regular basis, not because she believed in God but because they offered food in the church and she couldn’t get food elsewhere.

“When you haven’t eaten for days, you don’t really care much anymore where you’re going to get it,” said Tuusk.

The trouble started before she was even born. Her parents fought often and lived in different rooms. They both drank a lot. Tuusk’s mother blamed her when she was still a child for splitting up the family.

“When my parents drank, they started arguing and fighting. My mother was really dramatic and threatened to jump out of the window at least once a week,” Kadi said.

That kind of life left its mark and Tuusk started to beg and steal. In the neighborhood where she lived that kind of lifestyle was the norm. Everyone was pretty much in the same situation.

Most parents in the area drank and beat each other up. She recalls that those kinds of things were so ordinary that children did not pay much attention to it anymore.

Many people think that children from these so called “bad families” grow up being bitter and unable to have successful lives. Tuusk said, however, that such children are still able to learn to enjoy life.

“It’s not completely like that. I mean, I’ve had people who don’t want anything to do with me, but I don’t really consider that to be my problem,” said Tuusk, 23, who is now a successful professional who owns her own home and works in the media.

“I remember how rich the middle class seemed to be. They had food and relatively happy families,” Tuusk said.

In the poorer rural and suburban communities around Estonia, the problem of child abuse is widespread but remains a hidden problem.

Statistics show that at the beginning of 2006 only 822 children were left without parental care. Some 1,680 children needed help from social workers, including 654 children who were separated from their families. The true figure of children in need of help is probably much higher and the system is failing thousands of children.

Most of the official organizations The Baltic Times spoke to were reluctant to talk about the problem.

Even children’s charities were not willing to go on record. Many claimed it damages the country’s reputation. Yet, as reported in The Baltic Times in May, widespread abuse of children has occurred even in official institutions like the correctional facility in Puiatu.

Children don’t know where to turn when they have problems. In small towns people often notice the problem, but finding information on child abuse in larger cities is difficult.

Social workers scare children, because they are not part of the community. Most children refuse to talk about what is happening in the family and parents often say everything’s fine.

There are some basic characteristics that indicate a child has been abused. Physical marks, such as burns and bruises that the child can’t explain are a warning signal. Other signs include malnutrition, poor hygiene, soiled clothing, bald patches and gross unattended dental or medical problems.

When a child is suffering from emotional abuse, the signs include anti-social behavior, eating disorders and phobias. There are also physical signs such as speech disorders and failure to thrive.

When the abuse is sexual, the children can become withdrawn, show infantile behavior, exhibit sophisticated sexual or seductive behavior and change their underwear often.

These signs do not always mean that a child is abused, but their appearance should warrent concern from adults.

As children get older they often succumb to teenage pregnancy and the cycle of abuse repeats itself.

Kadi Tuusk said one of her friends had her first son at the age of 18.

“She got her second son [from a different man] a bit more than a year later. When she moved in with her new boyfriend [a third man], she left her first son to his father,” Tuusk said.

“When she got pregnant again she decided to give her second son for adoption and keep only the third child. She tried to give her son to me, but I took him to the orphanage,” she said.

Seven months later, she lost her third child after a case of domestic abuse. The mother attacked her boyfriend so that she could go to the police and claim that he beat her. She ended up in psychiatric ward after she was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

“She is the perfect example of a bad mother. But she’s a bad mother because she was abused,” Tuusk said.

Part of the problem is that there is a lot of red tape to go through before any action is taken in child abuse cases. If the local municipal office notices that there is something wrong with a child they call in social workers or child protection workers.

If the social workers get an indication that there is something wrong with a family, they start to make regular home visits. The case only goes to court if they discover something really bad in the household. Until then the child stays with their parents.

Taking children to an orphanage is a last resort.

“The most common reason children are put in our orphanage is alcohol. Sometimes there are also drug problems, but it’s not that often. They are, of course, parents who are simply not able to take care of their children,” said Hanna Uustal from Keila SOS Lastekula.

There are two types of orphanages in Estonia. One of them uses a family-based model – one mother takes care of a certain number of children and they are one “family.” Sisters and brothers are usually kept in the same family.

SOS Lastekula (Children’s Village) is also opening orphanages where there are not only mothers, but couples – making the family role more natural.

“I could tell that children are satisfied with us. There are always drastic cases, but in our practice I cannot say that they have happened often,” said Uustal.

Usually there is good contact between the orphanage foster mother and a child. Children who have grown up and left the children’s home come back at Christmas and Mother’s Day – often even after they are parents themselves.

The orphanages recognize that there is a problem with bureaucracy and will take in a child who needs a temporary refuge when their parents are fighting. Of course, they have to share a room with other children for a few nights.

“I spent a week there and made friends. Then police informed my mother where I was and she came after me. I remember I cried desperately when I had to leave,” said one girl who has spent time in a shelter.

Adoption is one answer but the adoption process can be quite long, depending on the child’s character and previous situation. The process is a bureaucratic nightmare – as of 2006, only 2,352 children had been adopted since Estonian independence. They were mostly adopted directly from the families. In 2006, just 51 children were adopted from custodial institutions.

When a child experiences violence and domestic abuse, it might seem normal. But that doesn’t mean the child is happy with it.

“I remember I often cried myself to sleep. But then there were times I was feeling quite happy with myself. Then I understood that I can choose how I see things that have happened to me and things have gotten much better,” Tuusk said.