Raising a family
Mandira Bedi on adopting a four-year-old and the challenges that come with it
When Raj and I were getting married 20 years ago, I told him that I not only wanted to have a biological child, but also
wanted to offer another child the same opportunities, hope and a new life. Both of us, however, got caught up with our own
careers and that plan was soon forgotten.
In fact, it took a while before I became a mother, in 2011, when my son Veer was born and biologically, I was certain, I
cannot be a mother again. But I have a brother, and Raj has a sister, and when you grow up with a sibling, you know how
special that bond is. We wanted Veer to have that experience during his formative years. So, when he was six (in 2017), we
applied for adoption. Since we had decided that we would name our to-be daughter Tara, we mentioned it in our form. Since
our cumulative ages were above 90, we were not eligible for a newborn, but we didn’t want one either. We were looking at a
toddler girl between two to three and were eligible for that. With adoption, and particularly when you have one of your own,
your resolve can wear off very easily. A childless couple will be more driven in their pursuit. We followed up over the years
but in vain.
COVID turned catalyst
This pandemic propelled us to act on our decision. I felt that my son was lonely and needed a sibling. So I really put my foot
on the accelerator and followed up with the authorities. We learnt that the delay was over the preference of three states that
we had filled in at random. We didn’t know that it was such a determining factor and later, changed it to ‘anywhere in India’.
And in the midst of this lockdown, we got to get our daughter home from a place that’s not connected to any airport. That’s
her kismat and our destiny.
Good news
We got an email with a photograph on the first week of July and gave our confirmation. If you confirm and back out, you go
to the bottom of the list, and may not be considered again. Raj and I had decided that the photograph won’t matter to us and
the one we received, would be our daughter. We couldn’t plan to go right away because MP had many Covid-19 cases so we
had to make do with video calls. In our first call, I remember she had a fountain ponytail on her head and a lot of spunk.
Young children are not good with video calls. She would look at us across the screen and say ‘Kaise ho?’ and ‘Main theek
hoon’. She would mostly say whatever was being fed to her. But her face would light up when she would talk to us. We
would call her every morning at 9.30-10 am, but if we couldn’t for some reason, she would enquire ‘Aaj mumma-papa ka call
31/10/2020 Raising a family
nahin aaya? Bhool gaye kya?’
The first meeting
When Raj went to get Tara, we were concerned about separation anxiety as the centre had been her home for almost a yearand-a-half. We had taken the decision that only Raj goes since we didn’t want to put both parents at risk. So he went to
Jabalpur and stayed the night, hired a sanitised car and drove to Sikandar, which is a five-hour journey. Once the paperwork
was done, we chartered a flight and took off for Jabalpur and returned as a family. When the car arrived, she sat on Raj’s lap
and said ‘chalo’. She didn’t cry or even look back. When I met her at the airport, I was a bundle of nerves. I hugged her but it
felt like hugging a stranger as she didn’t say a word. She was still processing it all. She had never sat in a car before and she
was getting on a private jet. Our staff did an aarti for us; there was a crazy bunch of emotions flying in all directions. I took
her up to her room post dinner and she cried a bit before going to bed, probably because she was missing someone. But she
went to sleep in five minutes. It was an overwhelmingly emotional day.
Caring for a child
Unlike a normal delivery, where Veer would get nine months to prepare, he only got a month to process the entry of a new
person into our home. In fact, he became less sure: ‘I don’t know if I want a sister now.’ We had to explain to him that we’ve
decided to take care of her and that he too should give her a chance. He agreed.
From experience
My first advice is that if you’ve even considered adoption, just do it. It will make you feel so good. There’s a lot of
paperwork... just don’t pick a specific state. There are no dos and don’ts. With adoption, there’s nothing that can prepare you
as every adopted child comes with a different set of issues, and parents have to respond with their own gut.
A lot of gratitude
When Veer introduced his class to his sister virtually, it was a breakthrough, since he initially didn’t want anyone to meet her.
Parenting courses taught me that you don’t have to get the child to admit that he was wrong, but they have to reach the stage
of normal siblings. Now, she’s besotted by him and he’s like ‘she’s my pesky little sister’.
Today, when I am lying in bed, with both my children on my two shoulders, I feel so much gratitude and feel blessed to be a
part of this special journey.
— As told to Kunal Guha
a