Remco is a diplomat and lives in China with his husband and three children: 'Back in the closet a bit'

When Consul General Remco van Wijngaarden walks down the street with his family in his hometown of Shanghai, it sometimes happens that someone walks into a lamp post in surprise. It is therefore a special spectacle by Chinese standards: the tall, white Remco and his half-Vietnamese man Carter have three children: Ella (almost 4) has a dark skin color, the twins Lily and Cooper (almost 2). is mixed white-Asian.

It has been a few years since Remco and his husband Carter, together with daughter Ella, exchanged the 'safe Amsterdam-Center' for gay people for Shanghai. In China, a 'fascinating, beautiful country', according to Remco, homosexuality is not prohibited by law, but much remains to be done to ensure its acceptance. That is why Remco sometimes has to 'go back in the closet' to do his job properly.

'Every gay man experiences'

He puts that into perspective himself. "Everyone who is gay goes through that, I think, that you just hide that you are in a relationship with someone of the same sex. That certainly does not feel good, but then you have to think of the greater importance."

It also happens that he receives a gift 'for his wife' through his work. "But that also happens in the Netherlands. The first time I received an invitation in China for me and my 'husband', it felt like a small victory."

Furthermore, people are especially very curious. "There is a pub a few blocks from our house, where many people from the LGBTI community come. It is especially striking how different our lives are compared to that of gay Chinese. They are mainly still daring to say who they are, we are two married men with three children. We get a lot of questions about that. "

Addressed on the street

"But it also happens that we are approached on the street, in the supermarket. Such a conversation often starts with a comment about our cute children. And then they see who is behind the pram, and they ask, for example, where the mother is. We have different answers to that, all of which are true. "Ella's mother is in America," we say. Often that's enough. "

White knees

Few children think: later I will become a diplomat. But Remco was such a child. When he was five, the Van Wijngaarden family moved to Madagascar for his father's work at Radio Nederland Wereldomroep.

Remco was about seven years old when he realized that he had a different skin color from his classmates. "We all wore shorts and sat in a circle. I saw all those knees, mine included, white between all those dark knees."

He was never discriminated against, his skin color was rather seen as something positive, but from the realization that he was 'different', he did observe more and more.

An outsider

That was reinforced when he became aware that he liked men. "I think I only knew one man in Madagascar that he was gay. So I was really an outsider with my skin color and sexuality. I always wondered how I should behave in others."

He also learned there what poverty is and what insecurity feels like. "Madagascar is a great country, but there is a lot of poverty. Because of that we also had to do with burglaries, people knew that as a white family we probably had more money."

Too unsafe at school

And as a child he witnessed the revolution in Madagascar. Soldiers took over from the president. "We couldn't go to the local school for one or two years. It was closed because it was too unsafe. My parents organized home schooling for my sisters and me, and for children of other expats."

The radio was always on at home, because his father had to monitor the quality of the broadcasts for his job. "I became a real news junkie: I wanted to know everything that happened in the world. And I thought: later I want to become a diplomat, so that I can also change something."

After the revolution, French was no longer allowed to be spoken in local schools. That is why Remco went to an international French school, together with children of diplomats, among others, whom he visited.

Great adjustment

Looking back, his childhood in Madagascar shaped Remco. He still has the ambition to change things. As consul general he is committed to sustainable business in China, the Dutch consulate in Shanghai contributes to the organization of the GayPride and not so long ago a clinic was set up with Dutch support where people can have themselves tested for HIV anonymously. and aids.

Remco is there for Dutch people in China who need help, such as prisoners who, if successful, can expect a visit from him or his employees every month. "They often don't have a family nearby who can come by, which is very lonely."

Dream job given up

The diplomatic existence is a special life. Moving to another country every few years is a big part of that. "Fortunately my husband Carter is quite easy at this. I sometimes say: as a diplomat it is less difficult, you end up at a consulate or embassy in another country, where you have your colleagues and your structure right away. there to save much more yourself. "

Carter chose to quit his "dream job." Until shortly after Ella's adoption, the family then lived in Amsterdam, he was the channel director of Net5. Like more young parents, we both took the day off and Carter's mom helped out with Ella on the other days. But that didn't work for us. Our dream of starting a family had finally come true and Carter wanted to be there fully for Ella. He chose to quit his job - we are in the fortunate situation that that is also possible. ”

Where Remco used to travel the world alone - he already worked in Nigeria, Indonesia, Kosovo, Geneva and New York - the family now travels after him. At the moment in Shanghai, in six months to go to Bangkok, where Remco will be ambassador.

Good schools

“Nowadays, of course, a decision like this weighs very heavily on what is good for the children. There are, for example, countries where you as a diplomat cannot and are not allowed to take your family with you, such as Afghanistan. now also have to think about whether there are good schools somewhere. I can't name a country I really don't want to go to, but there are countries that we should think about very carefully.

That does not mean that Remco will choose the easy way. He never did, friends often tell him. He will not only receive questions from others, his children will also realize that their family situation is different from the norm.

Questions from Ella

"We have thought about that carefully: what should we tell them? The questions are already starting. For example, boyfriends ask why Ella has a different skin color. And Ella whether she also has a mother. We then answer that she has a mother with a dark skin color, in America. Her next question is what we are going to eat. "

Of course, chances are that the questions will get trickier as the children get older. Ella will ask about her adoption, Lily and Cooper, who were born through a surrogate mother, about that. And they will ask why they have a papa and a 'baba' (the Vietnamese word for papa, Carter's background).

"In any case, we will tell the truth in a way that is appropriate for their age. And furthermore: well, every family is special, we are no different in that."

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