The other side of adoption

I’ve always known that I’m adopted, it’s a conversation that my parents and I have had since I was two and we all flew back on a plane from China. In many ways, I think that the candor on the distinctions between myself and the rest of my family, and indeed, the world around me, encouraged me to always have a strong voice. I felt like I needed to say things louder, in order to be equally recognised.

Things that should have been easy for me became more challenging as I came to terms with issues surrounding race and identity.

The Girl With Many Faces | Jinling Wu

Allie was adopted from China when she was two years old.

As I was growing into this world, there were so many foundations that I was missing, and I had to create those roots myself

Adoption is not simple, yet most people have a superficial view of what adoption means. As I grew up, the narrative was controlled by only one side of the adoption process and I realised that there were so many instances of adoption being portrayed through the media, solely focusing on the experience for adoptive parents. It seemed strange to me that there was so little focus on adopted children and their perspectives. It was as if it never occurred to anyone to ask them. Further, adoptees that spoke out with anything other than gratitude were ostracised by a society that only sees the value of adoption without recognising the trauma.

The most common statement directed at me as a child was, “How lucky you are to have a family and to have been saved from that orphanage”. However, this toxic gratitude culture ensured that I felt guilty for having any negative emotions about being abandoned and that anything I said that wasn’t positive was a betrayal to my adopted parents. It has taken a lifetime to undo all of that damage.

As a general issue, adoption is really misunderstood and misrepresented. I love my parents and I am thankful, of course, adoption gave me a much better quality of life than I would have faced in the orphanage. However, I learned that I can feel more than one emotion and that having conflicted feelings is not only natural but healthy. All of my feelings and all of my struggles are valid and they all matter, because I matter.

As I was growing into this world, there were so many foundations that I was missing, and I had to create those roots myself. I had to navigate relationships in a society that often only saw my face, not my story. Every time I met somebody new, I had to publicly disclose personal information, to explain why I was brown, and my parents are white, as if every stranger I met was entitled to learn about my trauma. So, I re-live it over and over again, often without the other party considering or even being aware of how painful this is.

In discussions, people often feel entitled to ask you inappropriate questions and further, adoption can be weaponised against you. When you’re an international adoptee, you also face racism and this can be even harder because not only do you have to ‘go back to your own country’, but, ‘they didn’t want you in the first place.’ It’s not hard to see how these factors build up to become ammunition for prejudice and hate speech.

Ultimately, I don’t believe that there is a quick fix for this, but we can start the right conversations.

As I grew up, the narrative was controlled by only one side of the adoption process and I realised that there were so many instances of adoption being portrayed through the media, solely focusing on the experience for adoptive parents.

I would implore anyone reading this to try and consider how scary and unpredictable the world might be for someone like me. I don’t know who I am, where I came from, my birth name or even my real birthday. I had to recreate all of these things that so many people take for granted. This is why I created my spoken word piece and why I will keep speaking out again and again.

I want to shed light on how complicated this process can be, speaking as someone who will never escape it. Finally, I want to encourage anybody out there who can relate to this, to know that it’s okay to feel conflicted and your trauma is always valid, despite what the rest of the world might try and force you to believe.

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