How do you tell a child that it is a foundling? 'A child feels: I am not wanted'

Every few years, Levvel, who provides specialist youth care in Amsterdam and surrounding municipalities, has to deal with a newborn foundling. After the discovery of a child has been reported, Levvel (formerly Spirit and de Bascule) immediately calls in crisis foster parents and care providers to receive the foundling.

Behavioral scientist Monicque van Kemp, also a child and adolescent psychologist, and Nathalie Schlattmann, clinical psychologist at Levvel have more than twenty years of experience in guiding and treating children and (foster) parents. They cannot comment on the situation of the baby who was found in a container in Southeast a few weeks ago for privacy reasons. They do want to say that they were touched by the article they read in Het Parool containing the reaction of the firefighter who saved the baby and bumped it against him.

Van Kemp: “That is the best response you could wish for. A baby that has been abandoned will initially receive a negative message: I am not wanted. It is very good for a firefighter to immediately bump a baby into his body, because he immediately feels that it is welcome, that it is allowed to be there. A child feels that. "

Schlattmann: “A remote child gets a false start to life. You hope that someone will immediately embrace such a child. The negative feeling of its start thus becomes less dominant. You hope that the positive will predominate, followed by an embrace by nurses and foster parents. You hope that a new story will begin. ”

What does a child hear about the difficult start to his life?

Van Kemp: “Everyone's first reaction is often: 'We don't talk about it anymore, the child doesn't remember anyway', but forget that. It is very important that a child hears what has happened from the very beginning. Even though it is newborn and small. Our advice: talk to such a child. At a baby age, say that it has been through something bad but that it is now safe and that it will be taken care of. Because initially it got the message that it is not wanted and that adults cannot be trusted. That can turn out badly in later life. The brain development of children who do not feel wanted is different from children who are securely attached. ”

Is such an explanation important even when they are so young?

Schlattmann: “Certainly, even with a newborn baby. Baby's memories are in their bodies, smells and sounds. Suppose a child is parked near a busy street and later gets distressed near a highway, then you can reassure a child: 'As a baby you were afraid of the busy road. You were all alone then, but now you are with us and we will make sure you are safe. ' Don't hesitate and subtitle what happened. It has stored the preverbal experiences in its body and implicit memory. ”

Van Kemp: “By telling it, you give the child a context so that it has a right to exist. You say that people wanted to save him and that he was treated in a hospital. You say: you can be there, you are a survivor . ”

Schlattmann: "It is important for his development that he does not feel guilty."

Are some really nasty details left out?

Van Kemp firmly: “No. You tell all the details, even the heaviest. So also where it was found. That is done to measure and what a child can wear at that time. It triggers a lot, but it is the true story, the child was there. Sometimes it is gruesome, but it is his or her story. Suppose you omit details and a child reacts very angry or sad in some situations, then it does not understand where these or other strong emotions come from. ”

Schlattmann: “If you don't tell them, the child might read a newspaper article at the age of fifteen or hear the story of an aunt. That will be a big blow. Then it has lost its trust in the foster parents or other carers and it struggles with its identity. ”

What is told about the role of the biological parents?

Schlattmann: “We always advise foster parents to talk about the child's biological parents in a respectful way. A child is loyal to its own parents. ”

Van Kemp: “Foster parents will explain that there was an emergency situation. That the parents could not take care of their child. There is often a heavy story behind it. You are thus saying that it is not a bad, but an innocent child.

Schlattmann: “That way it doesn't have to feel guilty and its own parents are also excused. That is important for the development of a positive self-image. ”

Do crisis foster parents receive special training to receive foundlings?

Van Kemp: “Crisis foster parents are experienced foster parents whom we can call at night and early to take care of a child. Like most foster parents, they are offered trauma-sensitive parenting training, among other things. ”

Schlattmann: “The child felt her stress in its mother's womb. The stress became even greater when it was abandoned. It is therefore extremely important that these types of foster parents have a calm brain. The child learns to mirror that. The child's brain comes to rest and so does the stress system. "

Does a child often return to its biological parents?

Schlattmann: “Judges find it important that children have contact with their own parents. Naturally, we look at what is in the interests of the child and the parents.

How long does the counseling last and are there certain benchmarks in life, such as puberty, that the counseling is intensified?

Schlattmann: “There is always intensive supervision immediately after the find, almost every day if necessary and then once every few weeks. There are no benchmarks in the child's life that we focus on. One child needs more guidance than another. It is tailor-made. We are there when needed. ”

Van Kemp: “Many children are resilient. It can go very well so that hardly any help is needed. Other children may stagnate in puberty. You must continue to monitor these children closely. How is the child developing and what about his skin? Once every few weeks, the permanent foster care counselor keeps a finger on the pulse up to the age of 21. The counselor also makes a life book with the whole story and sometimes pictures in it of their own parents and other important attachment figures. ”

How does the life of distant children go?

Schlattmann: “At the end of the nineties there was no scientifically proven trauma treatment for children and there were far fewer lifebuoys for treatment and guidance. The chance that a child with such a difficult start will be okay has become much greater. ”

Van Kemp: “We know more and more about the first thousand days of a child, which count as early as the first day of conception, and what is the basis for attachment. It is sometimes a tough job, but we have a lot of knowledge and guidance to offer. ”

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