How 4 adults are still struggling with their adoption: 'Woman in the photo on my bedside table turned out not to be my mother'

They don't cheer. But that adoptions from abroad have been stopped is the only right decision, say Kim, Sophie, Niranka and Kumar. They still have doubts about who they really are. "For years I had a picture on my nightstand of an unknown woman who is not my real mother."

I should be grateful?

Kumar (36): ,, I find some things incomprehensible. Then I hear people say that it is only a problem for a small number of people. And then I think: there are so many Sri Lankan children who have problems because of the adoption. The same people say: we must stop boats with refugees, but bring children from distant lands, that must continue?

“I had to look for my family for 32 years, but I found them. In the end I never met my mother. She passed away in 2010. That is a hard blow. I would have loved to take care of her. “I experienced a lot of racism in my youth, in Zevenaar. On the football field, but also during job interviews.

“There are so many things that you start to doubt. When I was 16, I heard that my date of birth was a completely different one. I suddenly had a different day for my birthday.

'You will be grateful'

“As a child I was always told: 'You will be grateful. How would your life have been any different? ' But they should be grateful to us. We are the children they wanted so badly. It is really painful that people kept saying that I should be grateful. People don't understand what it means to us.

“I've become more cynical. I really wish everyone children, but please adopt a child in the Netherlands. Then you prevent a lot of misery. ''

Talked about this with adoptive parents

“I am against international adoption. And yes, that means that I also condemn my own adoption process. I have also talked about it with them (adoptive parents, AH). They wanted children. And yes, they gave me all the love I had a fantastic childhood.

But I notice that I don't feel connected to people. I have grown hard. That has really been destroyed, that bonding process. It has only changed since I have children myself. It is clear with them.

“I have been going to Sri Lanka every holiday for a number of years. I don't speak the language, but that's not my fault. That's the weird thing. It's my own language, but I don't speak it.

“That the adoptions have been halted gives satisfaction. Even though I've had everything I wanted here and I'm happy with everything I have, in the end I still think: you'd rather be with your own family, and if you weren't adopted, you don't know what you might have missed. When I get there, I feel like I'm home. ''

Adoptions from abroad halted In February, all adoptions of children abroad were halted after a series of abuses were exposed by a committee investigating the adoptions. According to chairman Tjibbe Joustra, there has been child theft, child trafficking and corruption and there is still a structural problem. Nevertheless, a group of Dutch people want adoption from abroad to be possible again soon. An online petition criticizing the report has already been signed 12,000 times. Among the signatories are adopted children who are happy that they have been adopted.

Amsterdam's Dilani Butink -also from Sri Lank- tried to hold the state liable for the abuses surrounding her adoption. However, the court ruled that the crimes of the time are time-barred.

What else was right about reuniting with my mother?

Kim de Jong (38): ,, In 2009 I discovered that the story that was always told by my adoptive parents is not correct. I was then reunited with my biological mother thanks to the television program Missing . But now I doubt whether even that story was real.

“That is what adoption does to you. You doubt everything. I also did not resemble my family there at all. Yes, I can say that adoption has damaged me very much. I have been through so much grief as a child. I really missed my biological mother in my youth. When I got a toy phone as a 2 year old, I said, "I'm going to call my mom." I knew I was different.

“I don't know whether I really met my biological mother. I no longer dare to put my hand in the fire for it.

'Own children can be much more open-minded'

“A lot of people think: adoption is good. But it is not a kitten that you take care of. Someone has to stay in a natural environment, with the people you look like. I was unlucky that I ended up in a family in the Netherlands in which I did not fit.

Now that I have children myself, it is so different. I see something of mine in them. As a child, my brother and I were the only two black children in the ward. You noticed that. I was often lonely. That is also different for my children now. They are much more open-minded than I could be.

“I see adoption as pure child trafficking. It feels that way too. How would we feel if parents from China came to the Netherlands and said: “We take these children with us: we can take care of them much better than you”, then the country would be on its back legs.

“The fact that I don't know where I come from remains painful. Sri Lanka is not around the corner, you cannot go there to soak up culture. In any case: I will never be one of them again and I never feel like a Dutchman.

“I didn't have a good relationship with my adoptive parents, perhaps unconsciously because of the adoption. I have never spoken to them properly: the atmosphere was soon embarrassed. My mother once said at the time that she felt that not everything was right there in Sri Lanka.

But what were they supposed to do? They were there and paid a lot of money. So they chose to take me home. I understand that too. But in the end it was not the right choice. ''

For years I looked at the wrong mother

Sophie (31 ): ,, When I was a small child, there was a picture on my bedside table. A photo of a Sri Lankan woman. I thought it was my mom. My adoptive parents thought it was my mother. But it turned out not to be. For years I looked at the wrong mother.

“I did meet my biological mother at the age of ten. My adoptive parents had been searching for my family for years. It was special, I was happy about it.

“It was only two years ago that I discovered that even then I hadn't heard the whole story. The interpreter I had been in contact with all these years turned out to have lied to me. My mother had not given me up, as he said.

I was stolen from her. She has often been to the police. They always turned her away. I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. I am a mother myself now, and if you then lose your child. That's horrible. I still don't know what exactly is true of my story as I know it now.

Doubt everything

“Those insecurities about your origins. I doubt many things. How is it all exactly now? I still don't know. Sometimes I try to let it go. I now have a daughter that I have to take care of. That gives so much luck. What I was looking for in Sri Lanka, I found it with my own child.

“I used to be bullied a lot in the past, I felt different. I understand that there are other stories; people who are happy with their adoption. I really understand the desire to have children. In Sri Lanka there were also children in an orphanage. There must be children for whom adoption was better.

“But whether that also applies to me? My mother also raised other children there. Of course, you are poorer. Maybe I would have been happy too. What you want is unconditional love. I felt that I was different. Many adopted children have those feelings. The parents who now want to adopt a child must know this. For the child, it does not mean that he or she is better off. My adoptive parents said afterwards: 'if we knew what we know now, we don't know whether we would have done it.' '

Raised in a country where I don't belong

Niranka Schoorl (27) : ,, I have been visiting Sri Lanka regularly since 2012. I had no intention of looking for my family, but in the end I did. It went faster than I thought. And I am glad I met them. My papers turned out to be correct. Still, I am against adoption. I grew up in a country where I don't belong. I didn't always feel welcome.

“I know it's different for everyone. There are so many different stories. My brother also had a lot of trouble being an adopted child. I did talk about it with my adoptive parents. But that was difficult. They didn't notice certain things: they adopted me with good intentions.

What if I had stayed there?

“I thought a long time about what would have happened if I had stayed there. I often longed for life in Sri Lanka. Now I know better. My real family is really very poor. The question was whether I had survived. By selling me, those people got a little money in.

My biological mother was already struggling with psychological problems at that time. Those people don't know any better. I don't blame them. Sometimes they only eat plain rice for two weeks.

“And yet ..... through all that misery. I don't think adoption is good. I don't feel at home here now, nor in Sri Lanka. But when I am there, I feel that I belong there. The scents, the colors, the warmth. I recognize that there.

Safe situation

“I did not end up in a safe situation in the Netherlands. I have missed stability in my youth. Perhaps that caused me to look for my real family after all. I also know some don't.

The interests of the children must weigh much more heavily in adoption. As a child I really noticed: these are not my real parents. The contact between us has been broken for a long time, and that is perhaps even harder as an adopted child. I have never found security anywhere. ''