Never told: 'I kept silent about being adopted'

When Agnes (56) was seven, she learned that she had been adopted. She always kept quiet about that. Only last year did she bring it out.

“I grew up in an ordinary middle class family. My parents worked hard and were busy, but they loved my little brother and me very much. I was seven when my mom said, 'I need to tell you something. You and your brother have been adopted. ' Strangely enough, that didn't shock me at all. Somehow I had always known. I felt different, like I didn't belong anywhere. And those freckles of mine, nobody in our family had them, that was crazy, wasn't it? ”

"My mother didn't know much about my origins, only that I had been in the Mother Health Monastery in Breda until I was five months old and that my young biological mother had given me up because she couldn't take care of me."

Adopted

The next day I told my neighbor. She didn't believe me. I just left it that way; actually I was ashamed of my adoption. I didn't want to be seen as 'different' from now on. And I was just a cheese head, so no one would guess. If I was somewhere with my dad and they said, 'Gosh, you don't look like your dad at all', I would quickly say, 'No, I look like my mother, she's at home.' ”

“That's how I always navigated around it. I never talked about the adoption, not with my very best friends, nor with my parents. What was there to say? We were a very normal family, weren't we? "

Secret

“Still, I was constantly working on it. Every day there was something that reminded me of it. And somewhere I wanted to look for my biological mother, but I was afraid that I would hurt my parents. I did tell my then husband when I was twenty-one. Because we really wanted children, I thought he had the right to know. ”

He responded very understandingly. He too had a secret, so we were even after this. I carefully buried the subject of adoption again. Just being, that was all I wanted. ”

Letters to biological mother

“It wasn't until I became a mother twice, in my mid-thirties, that I couldn't ignore it. I was really sorry that I didn't have any baby pictures of myself, couldn't compare if my daughters looked like me as babies. It started to gnaw more and more. And when I came across an article mentioning FIOM, a foundation that specializes in unwanted pregnancies and parentage questions, I knew: now I have to keep going. ”

“I managed to trace my biological mother. We started writing letters, for a long time, until the moment came when we would see each other. How nervous I was. And the first times were also quite uncomfortable, especially the time when my adoptive mother was there too and they thanked each other extensively. But it was also beautiful. We built up a special bond. ”

Much sadness

“I heard that she had been very sad about me. But she had given me up very consciously. Her life later had not been easy, bad men, a stay-away-from-my-body. Although she was a very sweet woman, I realized that I would have ended up with my adoptive parents better. ”

“When this was all going on, I couldn't help notifying a few people. My in-laws, for example. I also told two good friends. How else could I explain who that woman was who now suddenly came to birthdays? But that was it, with that tiny circle. I wanted to prevent others from seeing me as 'the adopted one'. I often saw how strongly this theme has an impact. Then it was only about that. I absolutely did not want that. ”

Suddenly no more contact

“I had nice contact with my biological mother for ten years. I did not see her as a mother - I already had one after all - but more as a friend. Yet she was really an addition to my life. ”

“Unfortunately, she then lost contact from one moment to the next. I had just had surgery for a hernia and was unable to go to her for a while. I suddenly couldn't get hold of her anymore. Until she announced that she was done because she felt that we had no real mother-daughter bond. I was warned by FIOM that this could happen even after so many years. But I was very sorry and was also very angry. ”

Father's name

“That feeling has lasted for years, and now I am at peace with it. I am happy with my own family and cannot help but respect her choice. I wrote her one more letter a few years ago, with some questions about hereditary diseases. I received a cordial letter back, with - what a surprise - suddenly my father's name, which she had always said she didn't know. ”

“Because I couldn't find him myself and wanted to, I took the plunge: I wrote Spoorloos . Yes, I would be on TV and that would be terrible: but I was talking about it. Unfortunately, this has come to nothing. ”

Write a life story

“I could have always kept my secret a secret, but somewhere it was itching to write my life story. Last year I suddenly had time due to corona. I got started and it was an emotional process that involved my whole family. We were looking for pictures, my daughter made the cover. ”

“Because they read my story and thought about it, they came to understand me better, which made us even closer than we already were. Then the moment came when the book came out and I "went bare with my buttocks." It really felt like that, I thought it was scary, really scary. But it's the best I've ever done. ”

Recognition

“I have received so many great responses. So many people who recognize themselves in it, even though they have experienced completely different things. Themes such as loneliness, feeling different: they turn out to be so universal. Conversations I had suddenly went deeper; because I had exposed myself, others also showed more of themselves. ”

“It turns out there are so many people with a secret. What a pity that is. I should know: I feel so liberated now that my secret is out in the open . And that I can help others with my book, encourage me, I am very proud of that! ”

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