Ernst and Tonny had to give up their baby and thought they would never see him again: 'As if you were amputated'

As 17 year olds, Ernst and Tonny Fickweiler (68) gave their baby up for adoption after an unplanned pregnancy. They would never see him again. Or so they thought. "There is a hole somewhere and every time you think about it it makes it very emotional, it is just tangible."

It should be a few A4 pages, briefly describing the family history of the prodigal son. To catch up with him, to make up for the lost years. But it turned into a project that took four years and resulted in a book that turned out to be much more than a family chronicle.

Bomb

Anyone who reads their book feels how the bomb hit the lives of two 17-year-olds. It was a beautiful evening in September 1970. And as so often there was reason for a party, this time with a mutual friend in the attic in their Waddinxveen, where they grew up. Ernst writes about it as a happy memory. And then the song Albatros from Fleetwood Mac was played. ... When I brought Tonny home that evening, we were both happy and deeply in love with each other. Only from that moment on everything would be different, everything would be different. The world upside down. Our young life would change forever.

What followed was a succession of impressive events. As soon as her pregnant belly became visible, Tonny left for a foster home, so that she would not get the scandals in the village. In all loneliness and homesickness she carried her pregnancy there, in order to give birth to her son in the presence of strangers in a clinic. She would never see him, only hear him cry from behind a held up towel: a sound she wouldn't forget for the rest of her life.

Writing down the events of that time again was not always easy. “Then you bump into yourself several times,” says Ernst. “I knew that Tonny had to leave the house, but I could handle that whole situation so badly. There were times when I thought: soda rabbits, what has happened there and what have I been wrong. She wrote me letters, but I did not write back, did not share that period with her. That feeling came in very consciously. Suffer, who I was. I don't have the tears that high, but every now and then my screen became blurry while I was working on it. ”

Insight

After the birth of the baby, life took its turn. No one spoke about what had happened anymore. Tonny fled her training as a kindergarten teacher, went on to study psychology next to it and started a series of other activities to stop thinking about what had happened. Ernst enlisted in military service. Neither knew at the time that they would be together again in two years ... for the rest of their lives, after marrying in 1975.

Their book provides a glimpse into the lives of the adopted son's parents, grandparents and great-grandparents. Work for the wartime resistance, the influence of the Spanish flu. They all pass in review. But also how Tonny lost her father at a young age, as a young woman fell prey to a rapist, broke her back with gymnastics, that Ernst had to contend with a depression at a later age.

You have actually lost a part of yourself and you keep feeling that. Like you've been amputated, I can't tell you otherwise

Tonny

Night after night they sat together at the laptop, reconstructing their lives. "If you read it consecutively, it is a lot," says Tonny. Ernst: "But it also shows that you can get some positivity out of all that negative."

Although the loss of their first child has turned out to be a common thread in their lives. “You have actually lost a part of yourself and you keep feeling that. Like you've been amputated, I can't tell you otherwise. There is a hole somewhere and every time you think about it it makes it very emotional, it is just tangible ”, Tonny describes the feeling.

Not a day

She and Ernst had two more children, Yvo and Daniël, whose life story has also been given a place in the book. “But you have two sons and there is another one somewhere. He hasn't been a day in our lives. ”

All in all, Ernst and Tonny look back with mildness. “Suppose we got married right away, kept the baby. Then it is still a question mark what would have happened. Were we too young? Could we have done it? Over the years, that has often crossed your mind. Were they right then? We've talked about it so many times. ” Tonny: ,, Then you are young and you think: it will all work out. But the question is whether that would have gone well. In addition: You also had little say at the time. It was all decided for you. We were not even at the conversations between our parents. It was decided for you. ”

And yet: even before they got married, they were already talking about it: seeing them again one day. Tonny: ,, Then you see children of that age and you think: what would he look like? Would he have curly hair or straight hair? You are going to create a certain image. Who would he look like? ” Ernst: ,, We always felt like: there will come a time when we have to meet him. When is that? You are not going to look for a young child. And you have to grow towards it, get used to the idea, prepare for the fact that someone does not want contact or is no longer alive. ”

Fiom

But since 2015, life is different, the everyday lighter. After a long search, Tonny and Ernst found their son. It took nine months, but then the social worker of the Fiom in Utrecht, an organization that deals with unwanted pregnancies and parentage questions, managed to find a name and address. She sent a short and careful letter to Chris, who responded immediately. He was desperate to meet his biological parents. It is actually impossible to put into words what went through us at the time. So many feelings, such an unreal feeling. A discharge of nine months of pent-up tension that erupts in one go, Ernst writes in his book .

“Peace comes over you, it is right again. Nothing is missing anymore ”, Tonny remembers the feeling since the first hug in an office room of the Fiom. The fact that the contact since the first that feels as if they have known each other for years helps. "You don't dare to dream of it, but we didn't have to get used to each other at all." Apparently genes help with this, Ernst thinks. Because the feeling is mutual.

Likeness

They had three grandchildren among the four they already had, and one of them turned out to bear a striking resemblance to grandmother in her early years. "From the start we never had the feeling that we were visiting, you are just at home with your son."

Now that they are approaching seventy and look back on their lives, they can hardly wish for anything. Well, one thing. Ernst, laughing: “It would be so nice if we could all have our picture taken. Everyone together, all children and grandchildren. ”

Now we are finally complete! Available online at publishing house Boekscout and at Boekhandel Jacques Baas and The Read Shop Nieskens in Driebergen.

Surprise

Chris received the book from his biological parents as a surprise last Sunday, as an early present for his 50th birthday. He has now read the first chapters. “Unique, I feel honored, super nice that they have done this”, he says. Laughing: "I think soon I will know more about them than most people who grew up with their biological parents."

After his birth, Chris ended up in a nice adoptive family, with a sister who was also adopted. But six years ago a new world opened up for him too and he gained a completely new, biological family. Much has been discussed since then. “Of course the first questions you come up with are the how and why of my adoption. Yes, and then you slowly fan out. About how they experienced that time after, what their life looked like. ”

A meeting with biological brothers Yvo and Daniël followed, slides from their childhood were removed from the mothballs. All food for hours of talking. Because they can, he and his biological parents. "And I think this book will also be evaluated a few times."

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