Mama H’s Story

In many regions of Uganda, Kugatta means ‘bringing together’. If you are new to this website and our work, a big part of what we do is to help bring together families that have been separated by intercountry adoption. One of the main reasons I started this organization was because of my own experience with intercountry adoption. Our family adopted from Uganda only to realize a year and a half later that “our” daughter had been unlawfully separated from her loving family in order to fulfil our application to adopt. That experience propelled me to dig deeper and ensure this wasn’t happening to other Ugandan families. Those investigations and research proved that our experience was in fact the norm and not the exception. Kugatta has met one Ugandan family after another, all with similar stories. Families who were seeking temporary help are only offered help through intercountry adoption. These families do not fully understanding adoption to mean anything more than “help” or “sponsorship” and they unknowingly signed away their parental rights.

A statistic that really stands out for me is that 4 out of 5 children in orphanages in countries like Uganda HAVE FAMILIES. Usually the first question I get after sharing that statistic is, “Why are families placing their children in orphanages if they want to parent them?” Well, in countries like Uganda where the government infrastructure is developing and there is little to no welfare system in place, families often look to local orphanages when they have fallen on hard times. Just like we in America look to social services for help when we are going through difficult times, orphanages promise to provide three meals a day, access to education, medical treatments, and to amenities like electricity and programs to receive school supplies and other such much needed items. The most influential reason for placing a child in an orphanage is the promise of a good education. Education in Uganda is very costly, and there is no free primary education. Just like most parents, we all want the best education for our children. So in essence most of these parents are doing what they believe is best for their children. Also, parents are promised access to their children and that they can come home at any time.

Mamma H with her eldest daughter

Meet Mama H (pictured above with her eldest daughter). This Ugandan mother reached out to Kugatta to help her find her son who was adopted to America. While in most cases when we search for children and find the adoptive families they are very open and receptive to the injustices that have incurred, some aren’t. In fact, in some instances they want nothing to do with any of it. As overwhelming and tragic as that is, Kugatta honours their decision, even when we don’t agree. When this happens we continue to work with and empower the vulnerable family member who was left behind. We provide a platform for their experiences to be heard and shared so we can all learn and grow from their experience and hopefully prevent things like this from ever happening again.

Here is an interview Gladys did with with Ugandan mother whom we will refer to as Mama H. She unknowingly signed away her parental rights. She is sharing her experience for two reasons: to ensure others will learn from her experience and loss; so hopefully her son will one day see and hear her story and know he was loved and searched for, from the moment he left her side.

Mama H’s interview

How long have you been separated from your son?

H: I have separated from my son for 11 ½ years.

Why did you say yes to letting him be adopted?

H: I needed help because I had two children at that time and I was sleeping at my friend’s house. I had no job and no means of taking care of my children. Some people from an orphanage in Uganda reached out offering to help my children. I had two children and they could only take one. Soon after, I was told they had found an American family to help him.

If you could describe the kind of help you needed at that time what would it have been?

H: At that time, I needed a job or business to earn some income to care for my two children. I remember I had an idea of selling second hand shoes but I needed starting capital for that business.

What did you think adoption meant back then?

H: The lawyers did not explain to me what adoption was. They told me that my child is going to be taken care of by the American family, to get good education, and a good future in America and that he will be coming back after 5 years.

If you knew what adoption really meant would you have said yes?

H: If I knew what I know now, I would not have signed and given away my son.

Did you know then that you were signing away your parental rights to your son?

H: No, I did not know.

How has this separation from your son felt like for all of these years?

H: It is very painful! All these years of hearing nothing about him and not seeing him are very painful.

Do you feel like anyone cares about what has happened to you?

H: Yes, there are some people who care. Gladys of Kugatta has cared very much for me and my family.

How does it feel that Kugatta has listened to your story and cares about your loss?

H: They strengthen me and speak words of hope for me. They also told me the truth about adoption and what it means. They always help me in times of need, when I was sick and had no extra money for medication, Kugatta paid for my medical treatment and cares that my family is safe.

Who doesn’t seem to care?

H: The orphanage home that arranged the adoption of my son has not cared for me at all. When my son was adopted, I tried visiting that orphanage asking them about any information on my son but they shut me out and have never cared or listened to me. I have not heard anything from them about my son.

Do you have any hope of ever seeing your son again?

H: Yes, I have hope of seeing my son again. I believe if I am still alive and he grows up, he will look for me.

If you could say anything to the family that has adopted your son what would it be?

H: I want to know how my son is doing and how his life has been all these years growing up and I want to see him. If possible, would they bring him to Uganda so that I can see him and be with him in person?

If you could send a message to your son what would it be?

H: I never abandoned you my son. I love you and miss you every day. I gave you up because I needed help for you to have a good future. I did not understand that the papers I was told to sign were to give you away permanently. I said yes to your adoption because I needed help for a short time, but mostly for your education which I was not able to provide at the time.

How do your other children feel about their brother not being in their lives? Do they ask about him or wonder where he is?

H: His older sister asks me where he is and I explain to her all that I know which is that he went to America to study and he will come back, which is what I believed for many years. She misses him very much. His younger brother was not born at that time and he is still too young to start asking about him.

If you could warn other Ugandan families that have fallen on hard times about adoption or separating from their children what would you say?

H: I would tell them to never do what I did. Do not make the same mistake of giving your child to anyone that asks you to sign papers or go to court.

What do you feel needs to change about the system when someone with a child has fallen on hard times and is looking for assistance?

H: Stop taking the child away from the parent, this is not a solution to the problem. The child should be given help while staying with their parents.

If there was a legal system that could help you get your son back and he wanted to come home would you fight for him?

H: Yes, I would fight for him.

What would you say to western families considering adoption from Uganda?

H: I would tell the western families to always tell the Ugandan families the truth about what adoption really is and also make an agreement with the Ugandan families about what the two families want. The Ugandan family should also be allowed to keep a signed copy of the agreement between the two families.

What would you say to the Ugandan lawyers in the adoption system?

H: Tell the Ugandan families the truth about what they are signing for and not only show them how and where to sign on the papers without reading first to them what it means in the language they best understand.

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