Tineke and Bieni adopt the adult Ilse (24) and can now really call her their daughter after years of fighting
HEUSDEN - Tineke Couwenberg and Bieni Beekhuizen from Heusden have it all done; foster daughter Ilse (24) is now also their daughter on paper. Under Dutch law, adoption of adult (foster) children is not possible at all. In order to get it done, the Heusdens had to invoke the European Convention on Human Rights.
"It was the most beautiful day of her life for her," says Tineke Couwenberg (70) about Ilse. She can legally call her her daughter since Wednesday 14 July. Of course, the same also applies to her wife Bieni Beekhuizen (74). That day, the multiple chamber of the Bossche court ruled that they - and no one else - are Ilse's parents.
There is also the feeling. And that's miles behind
But what a struggle it has been. In fact, they have become too accustomed to fighting against the intractability, opposition and injustice of institutions in the field of youth care and foster care. Tineke and Bieni know very well that they have won their last fight. That it's over. But that's the mind. There is also such a thing as feeling ... and it is still miles behind.
For now we don't do anything anymore. For now it's always Sunday with us
Tineke Couwenberg, ex-foster mother and now mother of Ilse
Tineke's emotions regularly run high, who speaks on behalf of her partner. "I can't believe it actually happened." Because the mission to legally adopt Ilse was not the only battle the couple had to fight; Dealing with the authorities for eighteen years will not leave you in the cold clothes. “We are not doing anything for the time being. For now, it's always Sunday for us."
'Mental health problems'
Ilse was seven days old when she was lovingly welcomed into this couple's house. The couple has two more daughters. And she never left. Of course Tineke and Bieni could have started the adoption earlier. ,,That's what the judges who heard our case asked. We had been working on that before, but we didn't want to do that to her birth mother. Out of respect. She had psychological problems and then she would have to give up.”
It's as if Dutch society comes along on your foster child's eighteenth birthday with big scissors and cuts all legal ties
Ex-foster mother and now mother of Ilse
In addition, according to Bieni and Tineke, it was not widely known at the time that it was even possible; adopt your foster child. "That is information that they certainly do not actively disseminate to the authorities."
The big problem that the couple eventually ran into is that it is not possible to adopt an adult (foster) child in the Netherlands. "It's as if Dutch society comes by on your foster child's eighteenth birthday with a large pair of scissors and cuts all legal ties."
They experienced the recent session at the multiple chamber of the court in Den Bosch as particularly painful. “We sat on one side, with our lawyer. Ilse was not allowed to sit with us. That judge asked her 'where is your lawyer'. As if we were opponents. We were then completely sawn through there, as if we were criminals, all we wanted was for her to be our child.”
sooo angry
She's so angry. Of course she understands that the judges must determine that there are compelling interests to circumvent Dutch law and to be able to invoke Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights. But a few teeth less would have been nice, thinks Tineke. "Later, the chairman of the multiple chamber offered us an apology for the treatment."
They therefore have some good advice for anyone who wants to start 'this whole circus': Start the adoption procedure fairly shortly - 10 days - before the eighteenth year. In that case, the age of the child at the time of application to the court counts and is therefore still a minor. Because it comes of age shortly afterwards, the authorities can find little about it afterwards.
'Take a good lawyer in the arm'
"Take a good lawyer in the arm," says Tineke. "It is also expensive, you have lost at least 3,500 to 4,000 euros. But it is worth it."
Tineke and Bieni have taken the difficult road, through European law. “It has happened twice before that parents in the Netherlands have been able to adopt an adult foster child. But that was about a child with an intellectual disability.”
Ilse has completed havo and hbo and now works at De Hondsberg with difficult to train young people. She has a house and a partner. Everything thick together.
Then we imagined the faces of the people who opposed us. And then take it out. Bam!
Tineke Couwenberg , Ex-foster mother and now mother of Ilse
Message two to all foster parents: adopting your adult foster child is possible! “You just have to be prepared to fight.” Plus there is now case law; fought by two mothers from Heusden, for their daughter.
24 years of fighting has now come to an end. ,,You know how we sometimes dragged ourselves through it? Split logs with an axe. For open firewood. Then we imagined the faces of the people who opposed us. And then take it out. Bam!”
Unfortunately, they are not ready to taste the sweetness of victory. It is still too early to enjoy; their gut feeling is still catching up.
"The child is already well attached to her mother," it read. Awful'"
One of the first childhood memories of Ilse Couwenberg (24) is this one; “I must have been about three years old. I was somewhere. My moms were sent away. And then I had to go for a walk with my biological mother, together with someone from youth care. I didn't want to, I just called for my mommy. I was totally upset.”
For clarity; Ilse called for Tineke and/or Bieni, her foster parents. “I didn't know for a long time whether that childhood memory was real or just a dream. Many years later I requested my file as a foster child. It contained a conversation report of exactly that particular walk; literally! "The child is already well attached to her mother," the report said.
It shows how important they thought it was at the time that foster children kept in touch with their biological parents
Ilse Couwenberg, Daughter of Tineke and Bieni
She is still astonished that the observer has interpreted her desperate cry for her mother as diametrically opposed . “It shows how important they thought it was at the time that foster children kept in touch with their biological parents. Awful." Her biological mother passed away in March this year.
Ilse herself thinks that she owes everything she has now to her foster parents. “If they hadn't done their best, I wouldn't be here. With a good education, a job, a partner, a nice house. This was the only way to get this far. This would never have happened otherwise.”
Now I no longer have to explain how it is, to justify myself to anyone, I don't feel like it anymore
Ilse Couwenberg, Daughter of Tineke and Bieni
Where her parents barely realize that the battle is over, Ilse has completely embraced the new situation. “I am their daughter now. I bought pastries for work, took my mothers, sisters and partner out to dinner. Party! Now I no longer have to explain what it is, to justify myself to anyone, I don't feel like it at all anymore. Now it's on paper."
I really didn't think for a second that that was even possible. Reject? Damn, that was also possible. That was very intense
Ilse Couwenberg, Daughter Tineke and Bieni
What is so obvious to her turned out to be very different in the outside world. “During the trial, one of the judges asked me what it would do to me if the adoption was rejected. That was a slap in the face. I ended up on a roller coaster. I really didn't think for a second that that was even possible. Reject? Damn, that was also possible. That was very intense.”
Why is she unabashedly happy and her moms not (yet)? “They have had to justify themselves over and over again all these years. Have to prove that they were right with me. That they are now sawn in half once more, that is hard. That takes some time.”
What are the rules?
When adopting a child from the Netherlands, the following general terms and conditions apply:
- The adoption is in the best interest of the child.
- The child can no longer expect anything from its own parent(s). The judge assesses whether the parents are still able and willing to fulfill their role.
- The child is a minor. A child aged 12 or older must consent to adoption.
- Grandparents are not allowed to adopt their grandchild.
- You are of age and at least 18 years older than the child you wish to adopt.
- You must have cared for and raised the child for at least 1 year. For example as a foster parent, guardian or stepparent.
- There are a number of additional conditions for couples, partners or co-mothers.
Source: Central government.
.