wanted and not found - gezocht en (niet) gevonden

Wanted and (not) found: Annick tells

We talk quickly about seeking, finding and contacting first parents, but not everyone has to search, can find or has contact. In this series, various adoptees tell how they experience this.

Annick | 36 years | °India | founder Adoptie Schakel | children's coach

“Meanwhile, the images have faded, but they are still there”

I was almost five years old when my adoptive parents came to pick me up in Zaventem. That was in December 1989. A year and a half before that, my uncle took me to the orphanage in Madras. He came to visit me regularly, but after six months I was transferred to Calcutta. I grew up in Tongeren with an older brother.

In the beginning I told my parents and grandmother a lot about India. About a blue house, a train, rooms with other children… They didn't know if my stories were fantasy or reality, but because it was so detailed, they thought that some of it must be true. So they wrote everything down in a booklet. I myself did not know for a long time: did I have to remember it, was I dreaming or fantasizing?

Meanwhile, the images have faded, but they are still there. I can recall them, especially now that I know they are real memories.

“It was mainly other people who asked questions”

I was never very busy with searching. The TV show 'Spoorloos' was the one from when I was a teenager. I wondered how those adoptees could find their parents, but once that program was over, I dismissed the thought. It was mainly other people who asked questions. Did you already go back to India? Do you have any family there? Do you want to go find them? Just leave me alone, I thought. I myself had some data, but I assumed that after all these years I would not find anything.

After my studies in Kindergarten I wanted to go to India, but I got a permanent offer and had to furnish my class during the big holiday. Making a trip or taking a sabbatical year was out of the question. Then I started a relationship, we moved in together and it didn't work out at all.

Only in 2016, after a miscarriage and experiencing first-hand how the contact between my partner, who is also adopted, and his biological family, did the questions arise. What would have happened to my mom? Did she die at birth? My papers said she was ill, but was that true?

“We did a DNA test with about thirty adoptees”

In 2017, we organized a DNA evening with the non-profit organization Donorkinderen from Adoptie Schakel. We were with about thirty adoptees who did a DNA test from 23andMe: spit in a tube and send it to us. We chose 23andMe because that DNA database contains many Asian people and you can upload your results from there to other databases. Over the course of the year, we also featured other databases such as MyHeritage.

Finally, we got together to discuss the results. Many adoptees turned out to have little result. We were shocked. You know you shouldn't have high expectations, but it still hits you hard when you only find very distant relatives.

The DNA test showed something for me. I had about 600 DNA matches. Lots of distant matches, but also some close ones.

“In the end those close matches turned out to be cousins ??and cousins ??of mine”

Together with an adoptive mom who knows a lot about DNA searching, I sent a message to those close matches: we have so many things in common, would you like to have a conversation? It takes a lot of time to make those contacts. Some did not respond or wanted nothing to do with it. Others did respond and shared their family trees.

In the end, those close matches turned out to be cousins ??and second cousins ??of mine. They lived in Italy, Switzerland, the United States, the Netherlands… and were also adopted. They were looking for their fathers, that is, my uncles, in India. In total there were twelve family members spread all over the world.

“Suddenly I got the message: we found your daddy!”

In March 2018 I received a message from one of them: they had found daddy! Six months earlier they found the uncle who took me to the orphanage and he contacted my daddy. They were sure it was my daddy because when they were in India for their search they did a DNA test on him.

My daddy was seriously ill. If I still wanted to see him, I would go to India as soon as possible. That was shocking. I taught here and couldn't just leave.

Through an adoptive mother who organizes roots trips to India, I left for India in July. We went three weeks. I didn't want to go alone, so I signed up for a group tour with an adopted friend from India. My adoptive parents were aware. They were concerned, wondered why I went looking for it as I had never asked much about it, but embraced it. We had a busy schedule, but on two free evenings in Calcutta I went to see my father. He knew I would come. My uncle had prepared him for that.

“I shed tears of joy, but also of sadness and anger”

My daddy was very sick in bed. Because he was in quarantine, I wasn't allowed to get close. He had my passport photo in his hands. He had had that one black-and-white photo in my adoption file for 30 years. That was really crazy. How did he get that? To me, that was proof that I was his daughter. A man acted as a guide and helped translate. It had to be translated from English to Hindi to Tamil and vice versa. A lot of hassle.

I then experienced all the emotions. And with that the baby in my belly too, because I was three months pregnant. I shed tears of joy, but also of sadness and anger. For me it was double. Suddenly you see a mirror in front of you. My first thought was, "Shit, he really does look like me." I didn't want to look like him, because somehow I had placed the blame for being relinquished on him. A daddy has to be there for his family, right?

I was angry and told him so. "Why didn't you make more effort to keep me?" I asked. According to him it was the caste system, but in my eyes he used that as an excuse. Also, the drugs to treat my asthma would have been too expensive, but there were no money problems. So was I not good enough? Was I a naughty child? I suppose he married less than he was supposed to and I am the result of that. And that he couldn't remarry while I was there, but it remains unclear.

My daddy said I could be mad at him and the system. He said he might have gone to more trouble if there wasn't an option to leave your child somewhere. I thought it was nice that he said that. He just admitted he wanted to get rid of me. 'Point, get on with your life', something like that.

“I got my creativity from her and that's nice to know”

I also asked about my mom. Was she still alive or not? He didn't want to answer that. I thought that was weird. If she's dead, can you say that? Then I know and it stops there. His silence makes me suspect she's still alive, but he wouldn't confirm that. That was so frustrating. Just tell me, I thought. The guide thought that too.

What my dad did tell was that my mom was from Sri Lanka. I asked about my skin color and he said I was a mix. In addition, my mom was apparently very good at crafts and made very beautiful paintings. So I got my creativity from her. That's nice to know.

I asked him how he felt towards me. He said he was happy to see me.

He said I had my mommy's caring nature, but he was surly, so I said, "You must be very different." He recognized his stubbornness in me again. I think he found that confrontation hard, like: that is also a part of my daughter. I thought it was nice that it did something to him.

“When we came back from India I had lost 10 kilos”

My daddy didn't want to give me all the information, but he was also very tired. And I was tired. It was fifty degrees, it was monsoon. Then you're sitting there in a room with a lot of translators. You can't communicate, you don't know who is saying what to whom. That was really tiring. I was knocked out for three days after that. Mentally it weighed on me, but I was also sick because of the pregnancy. When we returned from India in August, I had lost ten kilograms.

When I returned, I threw myself into work and normal life. We were moving, so I had plenty of distractions. With the birth of our son in 2019, everything came in twice as hard. At the same time, he gave me the strength to carry on. I wrote off a lot, was creative, gave lectures and did workshops to give it a place.

“I now have more questions than before my search”

In October 2018 my dad passed away. That remains double. On the one hand, I can close it because he died. On the other hand, I still wanted to ask a lot, because now I had finally found him. I thought my questions would stop when I found, but I now have more questions than before my search. I also think about how I could have phrased things differently so that I could have drawn more from him. You prepare so well, but then you stand there and you think: damn it, there's nothing left of it.

But I'm glad I was able to express my feelings to him. And I'm glad I got to see him. For myself and for my child. My daddy was sick, so I knew I had to use that moment. I wouldn't wish on anyone to tell everything in a few hours, but I did what I could.

“I still have half-sisters and half-brothers, but I'm not interested in getting to know them”

Once a month I meet up with the uncle who introduced me to my daddy. He took me to the orphanage at the time. My file says that my father did this because he was unable to care for me due to illness, but in reality it was my uncle. When I was three years old, my daddy dropped me off at him: "You take care of it, you're still young enough." They were at home with twelve children and my uncle was the youngest. Apparently my uncle didn't last and after six months he took me to the orphanage.

My uncle doesn't know much about my mom either. We suspect she went back to Sri Lanka, but we don't know why. Did she die and is she buried there? Did they get divorced and then did she go back? I don't know what to do with it. I have half-sisters and half-brothers, but no interest in getting to know them. I do not know why. My daddy said I don't have full brothers or sisters, but is that the truth?

“ Que sera sera , but you still often think about it”

If you want to search, talk about it, but don't be pushed. Listen to different stories. Try dropping your questions somewhere. And be ready for what you can find.

My cousins' quests didn't all turn out well. Three cousins ??found not yet. A cousin did, but his father doesn't want contact. Other relatives asked for money or lied about who was related. I am in contact with some of them through Facebook and 23andMe, but not all of them. Be careful, I really stick to that. I went to my daddy without the tour guide or the group knowing anything. I thought: this is my family, I've been looking forward to it for so long and I don't need any prying eyes. But that was dangerous and I shouldn't have done that.

Que sera sera . I have sung that song many times. We'll see what happens. I'm here now. In the present. And we have to go further into the future. But you still often think about it. I used to think it was a chore to make my family tree and now I'm going to be confronted with it again through our son. Doing a quest is not sacred to your healing. It always comes back. You give it a place, you move on, but it always comes back.

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