Mariel's adoption was not a success: 'I packed my backpack to go back to India'
She was four months old when she was adopted from India by a childless couple in the Groene Hart. Undoubtedly with the best intentions, thinks Mariël Vos from Gouderak, but according to her it turned out completely wrong.
“They were both mentally handicapped and worked in sheltered employment. They couldn't handle raising a child. Nowadays, placement in such a family would really no longer be possible, but it happened then. With all its consequences."
Uncertain
Mariel is working on a book about her eventful life. It also extensively discusses her time in a foster family in Waddinxveen. She has also recently started speaking at meetings for social workers in foster care and (future) foster parents. She still has a very good relationship with her own foster mother. He confirms the story of the Gouderakse to this newspaper.
I used to be locked in the shed in the garden. Then I once screamed so loud that neighbors warned the police and the ball started rolling
Mariel Vos
Mariël: ,,My now deceased adoptive mother often said that I was bad and very difficult and cost a lot of money. Too much as I wouldn't deliver value for money. Being told that as a child makes you very insecure. My adoptive father didn't participate in that, but he didn't correct her either. I used to be locked in the shed in the garden. Then I once screamed so loudly that neighbors alerted the police. Then the ball started rolling.”
By this she means that youth care was called in and that as a 9-year-old child she was brought into contact with the foster family, where she would later grow up.
Just like after giving birth, you need time with your child after an adoption. As a brand new adoptive parent you are therefore entitled to adoption leave. Read all about it on Parents of Now.
“Initially it was daycare. In the evening I went back to my adoptive parents. Perhaps with the aim of going back all the way one day, but luckily that didn't happen. When I was eleven, I moved to a foster family, where I lived for six years."
She says 'lucky' and that's how she means it afterwards, but as a young girl she looked at it differently. ,,I was really looking for the fault in myself. It's probably all my own fault, I mistakenly thought. In order not to be a nuisance to anyone, I even once filled a backpack with clothes and stuffed animals. I was determined to go back to India.”
It was probably all my own fault, I mistakenly thought
Mariel Vos
bonding problem
In the foster family, Mariël soon noticed the difference with her adoptive parents. “I was just overwhelmed with love. But still I was afraid for a long time that I would have to leave there too. I was therefore a very obedient girl and did not want to cause any inconvenience.”
Despite all the love she received in the foster family, it took a long time before she could also give love back. “Like many other adopted and foster children, I had an attachment problem. That means that you don't dare to give yourself completely to other people for fear that you will be disappointed again.”
My son is my only real family because I have no idea who my biological parents are
Mariel Vos
When she was 17 years old, she went to live on her own in Gouda. She got into a relationship and gave birth to a boy. She has been living in Gouderak for some time now with her son (18). “He was and is very important in my life. My son is my only real family because I have no idea who my biological parents are.”
She says that as a young mother she doubted whether she would be able to raise her child properly. ,,I thought: soon I will make the same mistakes as my adoptive mother. My foster mother, with whom I still have daily contact, soon talked that out of my head. She said I was a completely different type and that is true.”
It will not be a story with only misery, I also want to show that there is always a way up
Mariel Vos
Mariël Vos, a care worker in Gouda in daily life, now feels happy and strong. “Despite my difficult childhood, it all turned out well. Thanks in part to my son and my foster mother.”
In the book she is recently writing, she will certainly mention that. ,,It will not be a story with only misery, I also want to show that there is always a way up. And I want to let you know that I am very grateful that foster families exist, because otherwise it would probably have turned out very differently for me.”
Get used to
A few months ago the idea arose to share her experiences as a child with care providers and (future) foster parents. She offered to come and tell about her experiences on a Facebook page for these target groups. “That got a lot of positive reactions.”
During these meetings she also gives tips about foster care. Such as that it is important that there are not too many changes among care providers. "Otherwise you can't build a bond with it as a foster child."
She also emphasizes that foster parents should give a child time to get used to a family. “They often shower a foster child with love and attention, but they don't always get it back immediately. Be patient, I say, it will be fine. Do you realize that it is very difficult for such a boy or girl to pick up the thread again in another family.”
They often overload a foster child with love and attention, but they don't get it back immediately
Mariel Vos
tensions
Mariel never searched for her biological family in India. She therefore does not know whether her adoption went according to the rules at the time. An investigation by the Joustra Commission in 2021 showed that a lot has gone wrong with regard to adoptions in the past. The report discusses, among other things, child theft, child trafficking, corruption, forgery and theft of documents, unethical behavior by officials and the transfer of adopted children under false pretenses.
The Gouderakse will probably never find out whether this also played a role with her, because she has no intention of looking for her biological family. "Such a quest creates too much tension for me and I am very satisfied with the life I now lead with my son."
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