'I want to get rid of the fact that all adopted children have attachment problems'

The fact that an adoption is difficult, adopted children have attachment problems and always want to find their biological parents, is not as easy as it seems, says Mirjam Postma. She was adopted from India as a baby of seven months and tells about it. Her adoptive parents are just her parents.

“Just because it's a success story doesn't mean it's always been easy,” Mirjam begins her story. “I just want to dispel the idea that all adopted children have attachment problems or want to find their biological parents. Of course there are many cases where it is, but it doesn't have to be an assumption.”

Mirjam is adopted when she is very small. “I think age matters a lot. As you get older, you may have a more active memory of the country of origin and that could be a bigger blow. I was only seven months old when I was adopted.”

'Put me a plate with stew and smoked sausage in front of me every day'

The feeling that is often described when it comes to adoption is: I feel different from my parents and other children, but Mirjam has never experienced that so strongly. “My parents have been very open about adoption from the start. Little by little I learned more about it if I wanted to. There has never been any mystery about it or there was a time when my parents finally told me. My brother and I have always been accepted in the village where I come from. Although we were one of the first adopted children, we weren't really bullied about it. I think that makes a big difference.”

NOT COMING HOME

When Mirjam is 26 years old she goes on a trip with her parents to India, her native country. Not to find her biological parents, but just to see what it's like there. What the people are like, what the culture entails and what her feeling is in that country. “It didn't feel like coming home at all. I thought it smelled of fire and spices. I could see that I have the same mentality as the people from India, so maybe it's in my genes. The people of India are quick to accept things and are actually quite down to earth. I was also fine with that. Furthermore, I didn't really feel at home there, I'm just too Dutch. Just put a plate with stew and smoked sausage in front of me every day, that makes me happier."

RABBIT HUTCH

However, not everything went smoothly, Mirjam says after a while, "When I was in India, we went to the children's home where I was born. There I had the enormous feeling that I was not welcome and that they were especially afraid of questions about my biological mother. In that children's home the rule was that they would not reveal anything about the biological mother. They did show me the incubator I had been in and I can remember thinking: this is more like a rabbit hutch. mother also told me later that she could tell I was slamming when I was standing next to the bed I was born in. I may not have had those specific attachment issues that are always discussed, but I was left with a trauma from the fact that my biological mother had given me up.”

TRAUMA

“For eight years I walked around with the feeling that I was not completely comfortable in my own skin, but I couldn't put my finger on the sore spot. Until we got training about attachment problems at work. A colleague then asked: Can you also feel it as a baby if you are not wanted, while you are still in the belly?' The lady who gave the training answered that it was certainly possible. That sounded very logical to me.”

'Every child who is adopted has a trauma'

“My manager then came to my aid. Partly thanks to her, I ended up with a psychologist who specializes in adoption. I learned a lot there. I didn't necessarily have trouble with attachment, I had more fear of commitment. This is because you feel you have been 'rejected' so early. The psychologist gave me special trauma therapy. She told me: 'every child that is adopted has a trauma.' I thought that was exaggerated in the beginning, but afterwards she was right. She also had a valuable statement that actually separated me from my biological mother. She said: 'As a child you are attached to an umbilical cord to your biological mother. It was cut and she has turned left from then on and sent you right, but you are no longer attached to her, so you can let that go.

CHEMICAL BOND

“The bond I have with my Dutch family is very good and it always has been. What was always so nice with us was the openness and honesty. A friend also once said: 'You don't have a biological bond with your adoptive parents, but you do have a chemical bond and it can be just as strong.' I am sometimes asked: 'Aren't you curious who you look like?' Then I can answer: Outwardly I resemble myself and inwardly I am very much like my father. That's just a result of the upbringing I've received. Or when asked: 'Aren't you curious about your biological parents?' Then I can proudly answer: my parents are standing next to me.”

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