Interview: ''Knowing who your biological parents are is a primal desire''

Do I have much more family? How much more family do I have? Who are my siblings? These are many of the questions counselor and coach Maureen Davis's clients grapple with. Due to the extensive media attention surrounding donor conception and gynaecologists who used their own sperm, among other things, more donor children are now looking for where they come from.

Maureen Davis started at the age of 58 in addition to her work on a four-year college degree as a counselor and coach, majoring in psychology. The years-long search for her information about her silently unknown Indian father runs like a red thread through her life. Her father died during the search. Unfortunately she never got to meet him. Nevertheless, she went on a search for information about her father, met his relatives and got to know her half-brother and half-sister. Through her own experiences she understands the feelings of donor children all too well.

During her bachelor's degree in psychology, she researched the desire to know from whom you are descended and placed this desire in a broad social context. In 2014 her book Treasures in Aunt's Basement, Search for the Unknown Biological Parent was published . It is Maureen's personal conviction that wanting to know who your biological parents are is a primal urge, a primal desire. During the course of his life, someone who does not know his origin is confronted with a variety of complex feelings, such as insecurity, lack of self-confidence and identity problems. Feelings that – out of fear and shame – are often suppressed and concealed for years.

No research has yet been conducted in the Netherlands into how not knowing your biological father can influence the development of donor children, but international studies and the demand for help that has already arisen in the Netherlands have shown that it does have an influence.

Guidance

Donor children can turn to Fiom for guidance from the moment they have reached the age of sixteen. For example, Fiom (after a DNA match) also supervises the meeting between donor children and their donor father. But where can you go before you have reached the age of 16, and for specific guidance afterwards? If the origin questions still play for some? Most people don't know how a parentage question can affect someone's life, and where to turn. Maureen notices in her work as a counselor and coach that more and more donor children of different ages (from young to adult) are struggling with parentage questions.

What are the reasons that donor children and their parents approach you about parentage questions? What are they looking for when they approach you?

“In general, donor children approach me when they feel restless or depressed because they don't know who their sperm donor is. The donor is in fact the biological father. Young donor children usually come with their mother. Adult donor children come on their own. Parents can therefore come along with their young child, but there are also parents who have concealed from their children for decades that they were conceived using donor conception. These parents come to me for guidance in the process of getting to the point where they dare to tell their children the truth. They ask for guidance to be able to reveal the donor secret. The donor children and parents are looking for recognition and understanding for their questions, doubts and problems. In addition, they are looking for guidance in this process that is so difficult for them.”

What kind of questions do people who struggle with their identity/origin have?

Someone who does not know who he or she is descended from often wants to know whether it is 'normal' for him or her to feel restless and unhappy. People with questions about their origin and identity wonder whether it is really important to know who you are descending from and whether their concern is indeed related to the fact that they do not know who their donor is. This is, of course, very succinctly stated.”

In what way do people suffer from not knowing where they come from on a daily basis?

"A person who does not know his biological parent(s) can be confronted with a whole range of feelings: tensions, unrest, fear, insecurity, confusion, indefinable desires, indefinable sadness, shame, guilt, the feeling of being 'different' , the feeling of being an exception, mistrust, anger and powerlessness. The feeling of missing something, but not knowing what. The feeling of not knowing who you are, the feeling of being incomplete and not having your own identity. These are feelings that are often suppressed for years. Precisely that – otherwise understandable – suppression and silence can lead to all kinds of physical, emotional and mental complaints, and sometimes to behavioral disorders.

During the preliminary interview you told me that you meet donor children of different ages in your practice. Do these different generations have the same questions, or are these questions completely different?

“Young donor children certainly have different questions than adult donor children. Young children have 'simpler' questions than adults. The younger children wonder 'why everyone has a father and they don't'. As they get older they want to know 'who the biological father is'. Usually the more intrusive questions arise at the onset of puberty. Then come identity questions such as 'who am I?' and 'who am I like?' strongly forward. Boys in particular then feel the need for a father figure to whom they can emulate. Girls too, especially during puberty, begin to struggle with identity questions. Most people, including young children, also have a great desire to know who their donor father is. Adult donor children run into other problems about not knowing their parentage, they can get stuck in their work or in relationships. Their (help) questions are aimed at that. In addition, adult donor children have the same great desire to know who their donor father is.

At the moment, the age limit to meet your donor father is sixteen years old. Until then there is also no possibility, besides doing a DNA test, to meet him or any half-brothers and half-sisters. Research is now being conducted into what the ideal moment for (legally permitted) contact is. What age do you think is the most useful for the development of the donor children's identity so that they will not be left with many questions?

''The research you mention is a collaboration between the University of Humanistics, Profacto and Fiom. The study does not only look at the experiences with the age limits, but also looks at which age limits are most appropriate and which conditions and/or due care requirements should apply to these age limits. I look forward with great interest to the outcome of this investigation, which will be completed by the end of October 2022. In the light of transparency about donor conception, I therefore argue in favor of abandoning the current age limit of 16 years, at which donor children can obtain personally-identifying data from the donor. One child is not the other. Give the child information when he or she asks for it!

I believe that every child benefits from openness about the way in which it was conceived. The child has emotional and medical interests, which should take precedence over the interests of the parents. There are roughly tens of thousands of donor children in the Netherlands who do not know that they have been conceived using donor sperm. Many parents of now grown children keep this a secret. Carrying a family secret with you is a heavy emotional burden. For the parents, it inevitably leads to new lies, inner tensions, conflicts of loyalty and feelings of guilt. In addition, the children are the victims: crucial parentage information is sometimes withheld from them for life. Fortunately, society's awareness of the importance of access to parentage data and the emergence of international DNA databases are increasingly leading to parents (sometimes after decades) choosing to tell their children the truth. †

Heeft het hebben van vragen over je afkomst invloed op hoe je je ontwikkelt als mens? Is dit bij donorkinderen anders dan bij andere mensen? Hoe kunnen naasten hier volgens u de beste ondersteuning bij bieden?

''Yes, of course. Questions and doubts about your biological origin have a major influence on the way in which you develop as a person. You are, in fact, missing half of your genetic information. In the case of donor children, information about the biological father is missing. That is why donor children usually get stuck at some point in their lives and seek psychological or psychosocial help. People who do know who they are descending from have a head start in life. You could also say: people who do not know from whom they descend, are lagging behind. Relatives can support donor children with parentage and related identity questions by taking every question and feeling seriously and by daring to talk about it openly. So recognition! In addition, as a close relative you can also support the donor child in the wish to find the biological father. Knowing where you come from makes it easier to determine who you are and where you want to go…”

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