'When you adopt a child, you are adopting an entire family' – shifting the adoption story narrative

The story of adoption is told most often from the perspective of adoptive parents. This stands to reason, with all adoptees being minors at their time of relinquishment and most adoptive parents wanting to adopt an infant rather than an older child.

However, there is a growing cohort of adoptees, many now adults with children of their own, who are speaking up about their lived experiences and turning the traditionally more palatable adoption narrative on its head.

Joining this growing movement in support of changing the adoption narrative and centring the adoptee, family-focused non-profit Arise works to inform, upskill and strengthen family units through its various support programmes.

Part of this is adequately preparing families for adoption through psychosocial education based on a diverse range of adoptee voices.

All adoptees need support

"Traditionally, the storytelling around adoption – and the preparation ahead of adoption – has been parent-focused and very 'saviourist'," explains Alexa Russell Matthews, the Adoption Education and Support Manager at Arise.

According to Matthews, who is also a senior social worker at the organisation, all adoptees need support in working with their adoption story, even if they were adopted as babies, and even if they seem to be well adjusted.

"Adoptees have repeatedly stated that adoption itself is not necessarily the trauma for them," says Matthews. Rather, their trauma is a result of the way in which their adoptive parents managed their adoption, and why they adopted in the first place.

Failed in vitro fertilisation, for instance, should not be a reason parents decide to adopt, she explains.

Life story work

Part of helping adoptees process their adoption story is for parents to consider how they integrate their children's stories into the family life, and how parents speak about their child's adoption.

"By the time your child is 12, they need to know the full story of their adoption. This is part of what we call 'life story work'," says Arise Director Danielle Moosajie.

She adds that parents need to start telling their child their life story from the moment they come home.

"Even if they're six months old, integrate their story into your home life. And, if you don't know their full story, you need to be willing to deal with what emerges over their years, because when it comes to adoption, there are a lot of unknowns."

Why 12?

According to adoptee-informed developmental psychology, this is when children typically start to ask questions about their identity.

"Adoptees need all the information you can give them, so that when they're trying to work out who they are as young adults, they're not doing so with a lot of unnecessary gaps or question marks," says Matthews.

Moosajie adds that the onus is on adoptive parents to take responsibility for filling in those gaps to the best of their ability and to offer a safe space for their children to figure out who they are in the world.

"That's really the core of Arise, is equipping adoptive parents and foster parents to understand the needs of the child so that the child can thrive in the family.

Your child needs to be able to come to you and talk about these things. It's about strengthening that relationship and it's all based on trust," says Moosajie.

Must read: Adoptive mom of twin boys opens up about the privilege of adoption

Language matters

Matthews highlights phrasing and semantics as one of the biggest trauma triggers for adoptees, who are often referred to as the parents' "adopted child".

"When parents engage with us they often speak about their 'own' and 'adopted' children. But they simply need to speak about 'their children'. The language we use in this space is critically important," she says.

The team at Arise advocates for the 'open-hearted adoption' model, inspired by author and adoptee advocate Angela Tucker, who partners with Arise.

While the traditional narrative positions adoptive parents as selfless heroes, children are often painted as problematic and sometimes even a burden, especially in cases where cognitive behavioural issues or similar complications arise as the child grows.

But the history of adoptees is complex and nuanced. By nature of their relinquishment from their biological parents and their subsequent adoption, all adoptees have undergone trauma, regardless of their current circumstances or behaviour patterns.

"As a parent you have to be willing to step into that space and take responsibility. Learn and integrate your child life story into your own life. Upskill yourself and recognise your own shortcomings. You chose to adopt, which means you choose the fullness of your child."

Matthews adds that, in her experience, all adoptees "whether they're 6, 16 or 26" will agree that their parents need to be putting in the work.

"When you do the work as an adoptive parent, you centre your child and your child becomes the focus. When we speak to adult adoptees, and they speak about the trauma of adoption, what they wish parents would hear is that adoptees are able to 100% love their family and recognise that there are still areas that parents need to grow."

Matthews further stresses that the burden is not your child, or adoption. "The burden is the high number of children needing alternative care, and the reasons behind why these numbers are so high, which speak to a bigger story."

Also read: Radio personality Lucky Du Plessis shares his extraordinary adoption story

Love is not enough

A common phrase that echoes in the walls at Arise is that 'love is not enough'. While it may sound ironic or even counterintuitive, Moosajie says that the phrase underscores the core belief that there should always be room to grow and to learn about your child and with your child.

"You might know some of your child's story in the beginning, but your social worker could approach you with a request from the biological mother to have a conversation. You will probably learn more about your child over time, and you've got to constantly be thinking about all eventualities and how you and your family might handle it," she says.

Matthews notes that there is a key difference between trauma knowledge and trauma competence, and that it's pertinent for adoptive parents to recognise this when seeking support for their children.

"Parents can't be their child's therapist but they can become competent in caring for their children in response to their child's individual story, through accessing appropriate adoption-competent support."

Matthews explains that knowledge without being able to apply it doesn't help much, as it results in adoptees being pathologised and adoptive parents offering performative support.

This is not only unhealing and unhelpful, but also perpetuates the parent-centred approach to adoption, rendering the adoptee voiceless.

Including the biological family in the narrative

Part of being adoption-informed and sensitive means working on your own identity as a parent and being confident in your role as a mother or father.

This ensures that you're strong enough to handle all eventualities, including your child's possible interest in their biological parents (which is inevitable for some, but not all, adoptees).

Moosajie stresses that children wanting to know their biological family should not be seen as threatening to the adoptive parents or family.

"Their biological family, which might include grandparents, aunt, uncles and siblings, is a part of your child's identity, which is why you need to be open to knowing that when you adopt a child, you are choosing their roots and history too."

Moosajie clarifies that the concept of 'open-hearted adoption' does not always refer to the adoption being legally open, or about contact with their biological family, but it does mean that your child's biological family should always be included in your thinking and in your conversations.

"Open-heartedness is an attitude. It's about including the biological family in the big moments, even if it just means talking about them. On Mother's Day or Father's Day, don't shy away from speaking to your child about their family. Tell them that you're thinking about their bio mom on that day and ask them if they might be too," suggests Moosajie.

Matthews adds that this type of conversation can be normalised and extended to everyday moments.

"A phrase in your family's conversation might be, 'I wonder where that strength in you comes from?' Or, 'This is what we know about your biological family, and I think that's where you have similar traits to your biological mother'.

"If your child is a really fast runner, consider out loud and to your child whether they might have inherited that skill from their biological parents. Make their adoption a part of your narrative instead of a weird form of othering," says Matthews.

Adoptees are not a monolith

It would, however, be careless to assume that all adoptees want to know about and talk about their biological family, which means that parents need to take their lead in that respect, while respecting the pace at which their child seeks to explore their own story.

This can, however, be tricky to balance at times, says Matthews.

"Adoptees are not a monolith. They're not a homogenous group. They are a group of humans, and they each have their own human story. Because of the binary nature of society, we end up assuming that everyone is the same. So there are common themes and trends, but each adoptee has their own story, and that's a critical thing to remember," she concludes.

Arise is a Cape Town-based family and adoption support service that advocates for systems and policy change while working at grassroots level with families on the Cape Flats and online.

The NPO equips families to think about the complexities of adoption and family life so that they are adequately prepared to help their families can thrive.

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