Reina adopted two daughters from India

When it turns out that Reina and her husband cannot have children, it feels like a heavy loss. But their story has turned for the better: through adoption, they now enjoy their children and grandchildren.

“In the beginning, people sometimes looked surprised when they saw a dark child in the pram. We lived in the countryside in Drenthe, so you didn't see that much. Fortunately, we received a lot of positive reactions.”

Reina is in her early twenties when she discovers that she and her husband cannot have children. She married when she was eighteen, her husband was 26 years old. “I'm a Baptist and my husband was of Catholic descent, but at that time he didn't have anything to do with the faith,” says Reina (67). “Even before our marriage, it was a struggle, including with his parents. So we got married pretty quickly. We had a great desire to have children, especially me: women didn't work like that in those days."

Shame

But Reina doesn't get pregnant. “In the hospital it became clear that my husband was infertile. He has yet to have surgery and the gynecologist suggested artificial insemination, but that was not in line with my belief. It was difficult to talk about it, I was ashamed of it. When my sister and friends did have children, I found it very difficult. I must have said to God: why everyone and not me? But I can't remember praying for it. I also had to deal with it alone, because my husband was not religious.”

My husband had doubts about adoption from abroad, he preferred a Dutch child

“It seemed terrible to me to get older and not have children and grandchildren. At that time, many children from Korea came here because of the war with America. We started thinking about adoption. My husband had doubts about a child from abroad, he would rather have a Dutch child. At the adoption agency they said that Dutch children were hardly there, so that we had to consider going abroad. In the end, we chose that.”

“Before the adoption, we had to collect a lot of documents: a statement from the doctor, a certificate of good behavior, information from relatives about how we were as a couple and approval from the Ministry of Justice. That took a lot of time and effort, also because it had to be in English. Two years after the first appointment at the adoption agency, seven years after we got married, our eldest daughter arrived in the Netherlands. She was five months old.”

cry baby

“The moment of pick up was terrible. It was a foggy day in November, we had to be at Schiphol at 07:00. We were with a large group of parents, ten children arrived. The plane could not land because of the fog, so they flew on to Brussels. At 19:00 the children arrived at Schiphol in a taxi. It was just crying, everyone was devastated. Our daughter was pressed into our hands with the words, ' She's a very naughty baby ', because she had been crying all the time. That wasn't such a great start."

“You haven't had a birth, but you suddenly come home with a child. There is no maternity nurse to guide you. Our daughter demanded a lot of attention and cried a lot. That wasn't easy. My husband was more patient about that than I was. But I was able to love her pretty quickly. That is very strange: as soon as you hold the child in your arms, it feels like your child. We were so crazy about her that we wondered: could you be so happy with a second daughter? But that comes naturally.”

'urgent delivery'

“Two years later we had our second daughter. That was a completely different start: at 12:00 we had to be at Schiphol and at 4:00 pm we were back home. An 'urgent delivery'! She was very small and malnourished and had a whole bag of medicine with her. The doctor allowed us to leave those medicines on; it soon got a lot better. Our oldest daughter was very happy with her sister. I had told her not to cry at night anymore, because otherwise her sister would wake up. She never did it again!”

We never emphasized that our daughters were adopted

“It has gone very well with our children. They were never discriminated against at school. We also never emphasized that they were adopted. We once went to a lecture by René Hoksbergen, who is known for his ideas on adoption. He said black children are special in a white society. We thought that was exaggerated: act normal, then you act crazy enough. Our girls didn't think they were special either, they have both feet on the ground.”

Roots trip to India

“Our youngest daughter was always curious where she came from. Our oldest does not: 'I live here, I am Dutch, you are my parents'. She is more sober and closed in that, we had to respect that. When my youngest daughter was just married, the four of us – my husband and I, our daughter and her husband – went to India on a roots trip organized by the adoption agency. The first week is especially for adopted children to see where they come from. The children's home was no longer there, but there was a similar one. All those children on the concrete floor, I would like to take them all home… We met the lady who had mediated and we were given access to the books, still written in pen. Very special to see the name of your child. The second week was more of a holiday in which we sniffed some culture.”

Adopted and lesbian

“Our youngest now has three daughters and is a full-time mother. Our oldest is a nurse and has a girlfriend. I had a hard time with that in the beginning. I have sometimes thought: what have I done wrong in my upbringing? But love conquers all, you never let go of your child. She was so desired! So we've resigned ourselves to it. It was also a difficult situation for herself: she was adopted and also a lesbian, then you stand apart in society. She's not much of a talker, so I'm not sure how she stands. She was baptized but no longer attends church. I think she still believes. She has a stable relationship, we click well with her friend. They had two children through artificial insemination.”

God's guidance

“We are still happy and grateful every day that we were allowed to have the children. Otherwise we would have been sitting here just the two of us. A person wants to have something to worry about, to be able to lose his love. Only afterwards do you realize that it is so guided by God. You don't know in advance that it will turn out so well. We also know people who don't feel like adoption, but I would only applaud it."

“We also see God's guidance with regard to my husband. When our sister-in-law was dying, she said to him, "I hope we see each other again." Ten years ago, he developed a serious heart condition. The text came back to him. He then gave his heart to the Lord. He has been attending church for ten years now.”

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