Niels | Sex, drugs & rock 'n roll

That's how you could describe a large part of my life in Amsterdam. From 1999 to 2018 I was allowed to live in Amsterdam. A life that I describe in retrospect as sex, drugs and rock and roll, especially the first ten years.

I was 27 years old when I moved from Deventer to Amsterdam, a wish I've had for a long time. Growing up as a homosexual in the Noordoostpolder was not for me. And I also noticed that I did not dare to be completely free in Deventer. After I 'come out' to my adoptive parents, everything made me feel like I had to move to the capital quickly because that's where it all happened, or so I thought at the time. And when the time came that I had found a place to live in Amsterdam, I couldn't believe my luck.

I came to live in the E-neighbourhood of Amsterdam Zuidoost, and found a job at KPN's call center. I combined that with an internship at the PAAZ in Zaandam. Working during the week and doing internships, going out on weekends. The latter in particular was a real revelation to me. Surrounded by other gay men for three days in a row, I loved it.

I soon found out that this life also had a downside. I also quickly spent the money I earned. Going to the Thermos sauna twice a week, and dancing every Friday and Saturday evening in the EXIT, is financially difficult. Going out every week also meant, for me at least, that I needed a lot of new clothes. And although I bought my clothes at H&M at the time, it went pretty fast. I thought it was also important to look good if you wanted to fit in.

Because my salary went through quickly, and my thoughts of 'new clothes and stuff count' became the only truth, I was short of money. It also didn't help that I bought a so-called comfort card and started buying things on installment. That only made the problem worse. In order to quickly get extra money, I decided to do escort work on the advice of an acquaintance. This turned out to be lucrative, there were many men who were willing to have sex with me, and who were willing to pay for it. In order to keep up with all this, I looked for help, which I found in the use of drugs. Taking ecstasy and snorting cocaine became part of my life over the weekend.

After half a year I realized that going to bed with strange men for money made me feel unstable and 'dirty'. I decided to stop. As a result, I got into more financial problems and I lived in unrest. I tried to numb this by swallowing and sniffing even more. I was 'lucky' that I was friends with someone who was also not averse to this. Eventually I came to see that this couldn't go on any longer. With the help of real friends I was finally able to stop. I found a job that allowed me to earn more, and I also managed to pay off some of my debts.

A year before I met my husband, my life was more or less back on track. And from the moment I started dating my husband, the drugs and rock and roll in my life also ended. The sex remained, albeit now in combination with love!

Today I look back on that period with a good feeling. That period shaped me into the person I am today. Yes, it has cost me a lot of money, and my mental and physical health has suffered as well. Still, it made me stronger. This is partly because I later came to see why I behaved this way. With the necessary coaching, therapy, self-help and social support, I now know more than ever who I am and why I do what I do. And in my role as a queer coach, I can now better support others, especially LGBT+ people who are going through or have gone through the same thing. Life can be fickle, but what matters most is how you deal with it. Know that you are not alone in this

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Niels Lam (Heveadorp, 1973) is a somewhat idiosyncratic life coach (for LGBTI+ people and adoptees) and has his own practice 'Just Niels'. Besides the love for his husband and their two Maine Coons, he also likes to sing (baritone with gay choir 'Het Herenakkoord' in Arnhem). He lives, as best he can, the African philosophy Ubuntu – I am only because you are.

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