MELISSE (26) WAS ADOPTED FROM CHINA: 'I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ADOPTION WAS A TRAUMA'
MELISSE (26) WAS ADOPTED FROM CHINA: 'I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ADOPTION WAS A TRAUMA'
BACKGROUND
LINDA.GIRLS
REALLIFE
28.11.2022 | 3:25 PM | KIM HARTRING
It was already clear that international adoption is romanticized. But should we stop this form of adoption altogether? Melissa herself was adopted from China and thinks the answer is not so black and white.
Adoption is complex and has to be viewed from all sides, so that adoptive parents know what they are choosing.
ADOPTION
Adoptes always feel some kind of loss or pain. A longing for a place that is no longer there and will never be there again, says Melisse. The Welsh have a word for it: hiraeth . “I think this is quite unknown, while this lack plays a very important role in the process of an adoptee. My parents adopted me and my sister with the wish for a nice family, not knowing that this pain of hiraeth would be added.”
“Adoption can meet the needs of parents who want children, and the children can grow up in a better environment, but that is only one side of it,” says Melisse. “You have an insecure attachment to your biological mother and you have moved away from your roots and culture due to relocation to another country. This causes many adoptees to wonder who they are, because inside and outside don't match. I don't think I really resemble my adoptive parents in terms of character. So I wonder where I got my character from.”
DEPRESSION
“A year ago I went on a retreat in Portugal and then the penny dropped. The feelings I had when my ex-boyfriend left me greatly triggered my fear of abandonment. I had experienced this before, but I wasn't sure where it came from. Then I realized that my adoption played a bigger role than I thought. Shortly after that I got depressed.”
“If you don't deal with your trauma and subconsciously suppress the pain, it will affect you in other ways,” explains Melisse. For her, this resulted in depression, but it can manifest itself in different ways. Think of attachment problems, anxiety, emotional problems or behavioral problems, Project Adopted reports .
MELISSE (26) WAS ADOPTED FROM CHINA: 'I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ADOPTION WAS A TRAUMA'
BACKGROUND
LINDA.GIRLS
REALLIFE
28.11.2022 | 3:25 PM | KIM HARTRING
It was already clear that international adoption is romanticized. But should we stop this form of adoption altogether? Melissa herself was adopted from China and thinks the answer is not so black and white.
Adoption is complex and has to be viewed from all sides, so that adoptive parents know what they are choosing.
ADOPTION
Adoptes always feel some kind of loss or pain. A longing for a place that is no longer there and will never be there again, says Melisse. The Welsh have a word for it: hiraeth . “I think this is quite unknown, while this lack plays a very important role in the process of an adoptee. My parents adopted me and my sister with the wish for a nice family, not knowing that this pain of hiraeth would be added.”
“Adoption can meet the needs of parents who want children, and the children can grow up in a better environment, but that is only one side of it,” says Melisse. “You have an insecure attachment to your biological mother and you have moved away from your roots and culture due to relocation to another country. This causes many adoptees to wonder who they are, because inside and outside don't match. I don't think I really resemble my adoptive parents in terms of character. So I wonder where I got my character from.”
DEPRESSION
“A year ago I went on a retreat in Portugal and then the penny dropped. The feelings I had when my ex-boyfriend left me greatly triggered my fear of abandonment. I had experienced this before, but I wasn't sure where it came from. Then I realized that my adoption played a bigger role than I thought. Shortly after that I got depressed.”
“If you don't deal with your trauma and subconsciously suppress the pain, it will affect you in other ways,” explains Melisse. For her, this resulted in depression, but it can manifest itself in different ways. Think of attachment problems, anxiety, emotional problems or behavioral problems, Project Adopted reports .
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THERAPY
According to Melisse, adoptees need a deeper form of therapy in addition to the therapy that mental health care can offer. “Mental health care mainly focuses on your mental state, but the trauma caused by adoption is stored in your body and not in your head. This is because it is a preverbal trauma.”
She explains: “As a baby you are totally dependent on the outside world. And if you're on your own, you can't process this intense event properly. The trauma you get as a result is stored in the body.”
AFC
AFC ( Adoptee & Foster Care ) is an organization dedicated to the well-being and health of adoptees and foster children. Melisse came into contact with the organization last year.
“At AFC you do systemic work such as family constellations. That goes more into what you feel in your body. This way you can touch and heal the adoption trauma. This touching of the trauma can manifest itself in, for example, pain in your stomach, heart, nausea and, in particular, a lot of sadness. It is actually belated mourning,” explains Melisse.
TO ADOPT
But is adoption from abroad a bad thing? Should we stop this form of adoption? According to Melissa, that is not so easy to say. “If you put all the pros and cons side by side, it remains a harrowing story anyway. Being separated from your parents is always painful. But you may wonder where there is better shelter for this trauma. In the country of origin or in a more prosperous country? I currently think that is better in the more prosperous countries and therefore do not rule out adoption.”
CONCEPT
“I do think that there should be better aftercare for adoptees. I think there should be better information for adoptive parents about the adoption trauma, so that they become aware of the complexity of an adopted child. This could ensure that there is more understanding of all adoption issues. You have to understand what you choose.”
“It is important to realize that the place of the biological parents cannot be taken by the adoptive parents. The emptiness that the child experiences can therefore not be filled by them. This may be a hard fact but it is necessary to understand so that adoptive parents can be the best possible caregivers for an adopted child. In essence, adoption is always about the child.”
MELISSA
Melissa herself is still in the middle of her adoption process. She has been looking for her biological parents for some time now, but she has not found them yet.
Melisse wants to share the following with everyone who identifies with her story: “I think we all make up our own story to live in the nicest possible reality that suits us best. So that's what I did. In addition, I also think that you can gain unexpected strength from your adoption trauma, which allows you to face life in a very powerful and resilient way.”