Liz was given up as a baby: 'My mother chose a life without me'

Liz (48) is three months old when she is adopted from Germany by Dutch parents. Two years ago, she met her birth mother for the first time. “She had no regrets,” she said very firmly and without emotion. 'Didn't I end up well?'”

Liz: “We were going to fondue that night, I was looking forward to it all day; it was my favorite food. 'We have to tell you something. You're adopted," my mother said. Her best friend was a psychotherapist, she had insisted that my parents should tell me the truth. I was seven and had no suspicions until that point. I was an only child and white, just like my parents. There was no reason to think I wasn't their child. The message really came like a bolt from the blue.

After the high word was out, my mother continued to fill the dishes. An immense sadness overcame me; I didn't know how to behave. It suddenly felt like I was visiting my own house. All this time I was lied to. My parents had always been firm about lying; you do not do that. That basic value suddenly vanished. I was also so angry at my birth mother. Who would throw away their own child? I found my new truth so painful that I rationally decided it just wouldn't be there. I did tell my best friends at school the next day, but after that I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Two weeks later my mother asked if I understood what she had told me. I understood that very well, but I wanted to think about it as little as possible. My parents are honest and sincere, and while they didn't handle everything right, they did it with the best of intentions. My mother was infertile and they were on the long waiting list for adoption in the Netherlands. A cousin in Germany had an unwanted pregnant colleague. He mediated, and that is how I came to the Netherlands.”

Curious about my roots

“In the period after 'the announcement', my parents regularly asked if I wasn't curious about my roots. But I didn't want to know about that. I had no desire to get to know my biological mother, I still felt too much anger for that. That only changed when I was about 13 years old. I told my mother that I actually wanted to start looking and she apparently reacted relaxed. "I knew that day would come someday," she said. "We'll help you." Then she quickly walked into the kitchen, she must have thought I couldn't see her. But I did see her. She was crying in silence. That changed everything for me. It felt like this woman, my mother, had saved me. Where my biological mother did not want me, my parents had taken care of me. I thought I did,

When I was a teenager I turned into a real dragon. I was constantly looking for confirmation from my parents, I pushed all boundaries. My mother suffered the most. Almost every day it hit the spot; I was very bad towards her. I knew inside that I didn't want to be so horrible to her, but it happened anyway. After every fight I walked around with a huge guilt.

When I was just 18, I left home. I rented a house with a friend and during that period my emotions hit me. I developed an eating problem and was depressed. Via via I ended up with a psychic. I was in such a bad state at that moment that I would do anything to feel better again. The psychic saw that I was adopted and advised me not to look for my mother. My birth parents would be in crime, she said. When I went looking, a cesspool opened up. That was the last thing I wanted. I was working for the police at the time and had the name of my biological mothers, whom I did know, checked. In the file I saw all kinds of terms that I wanted nothing to do with. Trafficking in women, prostitution, drugs; my father would be the Holleeder of Germany. I decided again that I didn't want to look any further. And I kept that up until 2018.”

Questions answered

“Two years ago I wanted to meet my mother. By then I had a grown son, a divorce and my life back on track; I was stable enough to handle any adversity.

I went to the State Archives in Utrecht with the date of birth of my biological mother. I was only allowed to view part of my file, the rest was not accessible due to privacy. That made me very angry at the time. The officer who told me was allowed to view the file, but I was not. While it was about my life!

Finally, with the help of one of my best friends who lives in Germany, I found out the address of my biological mother. I wrote a letter. I didn't want to turn her life upside down, I wrote in it, among other things. If it was just a one-time contact, I'd respect that. I just wanted to fill this part of my life. Get clarity. See my questions answered.

The day after I posted the letter, I was already hoping for a response. But days passed and nothing came. I got more and more angry. The least she could do was answer normally! I had put my 06 number in the letter; an app with 'I prefer no contact' would also have been good. But just when I was no longer expecting it, a letter arrived. I saw from the stamp that it came from Germany, I already opened it in the elevator. The letter was handwritten and the contents felt super warm. I recognized her writing style; that looked like mine. She talked about her life and about her husband (not my father) who passed away a year earlier. And she had told my half-sister that I was reaching out, because she was still there – I had an older sister! I was pretty calm about it. When I called my friend to tell, he reacted more emotionally than I did. It didn't quite seem to land on me yet. I was so set on rejection. The last thing I expected was a pleasant letter about this and that. Because that was it; my birth mother didn't go into much detail.”

Let sink

“I did not respond immediately. I really had to let it sink in for a while. My mother had also sent her 06 number. Only after a few days did I dare to send her a message. We started texting back and forth. I asked her a lot of questions, including about why I was adopted. She was very honest about that: financially she just couldn't have me with her. She wanted me to have a good future. She wanted to meet me sometime, and I wanted to meet her, although somehow I would have liked it if it had stayed with texting. I had my answers; that was what I had been after.

Nevertheless, we agreed, in the vicinity of Apeldoorn, the middle of my hometown and hers. I had booked a very cozy hotel for us, so we could drink a glass of wine and really go into depth. A day before we were supposed to meet, my father called. My mother couldn't get up anymore, her knees bothered her so much. This made me so angry: for weeks I had been calling for her to go to the doctor and the day before I was supposed to meet my biological mother, she put me on the spot. "Just go to that woman," my father said. "We'll hear if you still want us." I remained calm, but inside I was boiling. I understood that this was very difficult for them, but it was my full right to meet my biological mother.”

Pretty relaxed

“I had only seen a picture of my biological mother and she was wearing sunglasses. So I was nervous, what kind of person would she be? If only she wasn't a slob. Or only had one tooth, or something. When I saw Spoorloos on television, I never quite understood how children threw themselves crying into the arms of their biological parents. I couldn't imagine that.

I was the first in the hotel and was quite relaxed. My girlfriends and boyfriend were, remotely, more nervous. And then a car with a German number plate drove up. My mother got out and I saw a beautiful, well-groomed woman. When she entered the hotel, we gave each other a hug. We didn't cry, but we felt right between us.

We talked for hours about anything and everything. I wanted to know from her if she was sorry. She hadn't, she said very firmly and without emotion. Did I end up well? I had to laugh at that, that honesty. We have the same humor. I asked her about her past. I had already asked via the app whether it was correct, which I had seen in the police file. She then denied that. After 'thinking' for a while, she remembered a few things. She had indeed once worked as a prostitute. But that was so long ago, she'd almost forgotten. It was mainly my father who had been involved in crime. She didn't know if he was still alive. I don't mind that much. I have not heard much positive about him and therefore have no desire to get to know him.”

The lucky one

“My half-sister Esther was born a year before me. When my mom found out my dad was cheating, she left him. She couldn't help me financially. She herself came from a working-class background and wanted to give her children a good future. She handed it over to me and earned her school fees for Esther in prostitution.

The day after our meeting, my friend came to Apeldoorn. We would visit Paleis 't Loo together for a day. "Why don't you ask your mother along," he suggested. But I really didn't need that. It had been nice, that's how it felt. In the months that followed, my mother texted me almost every day. 'Do you have her again', I would say to friends. My parents sometimes had a hard time with this intensive contact, which my biological mother did not understand. "They don't have that right," she said. That went down the wrong way with me: don't touch my parents.

At the end of 2019 I met Esther. That was very special, we immediately felt a bond. What I had always condemned with Spoorloos, I felt with her. I had, subconsciously, missed her all these years. Esther and I don't have a lot of contact, but we text once a week. She could be a friend of mine. She calls me 'the lucky one' because I was adopted. My mother has mainly gone her own way her whole life, Esther moved countless times as a child and had little stability. She also had no idea I existed. She came across my name by chance when she got married and came across my name in the papers. And even then our mother denied.

Meeting my mother has given me peace of mind. The hole I've always felt is no longer there. It may not have left me with an intimate relationship with my mother, but it does provide clarity and that is worth a lot to me.”

Children who couldn't stay

Would you like to learn more about this topic? read Children who couldn't stay . Emeritus Professor of Adoption René Hoksbergen sketches a balanced picture of developments over the past sixty years, based on five generations of adoptive parents and two generations of adoptees. This book is of great value to adoptees, their parents, and all those interested in adoption. For more information click on the button below.

.