International adoption “It was worth every effort”

The way to the adoption of Lilly from Laos brought her German adoptive parents to the limits: they had to disclose their life and financial situation and show a lot of patience.

The way to Beate Hoffmann and Ralf Henscheidt leads through the middle of the forest. The narrow road is not paved, the navigator has long since said goodbye. Until recently, the couple lived in the southern part of Cologne. But with children they wanted to get out of the city. Now they live in a small town south of Bonn. In your own house with a garden – and with a panoramic view over the Rhine. The breakfast table is set in the spacious kitchen. A photo of Lilly hangs on the wall: dark eyes, straight dark hair and a bright smile. Lilly will be three in the spring.

"She's a wonderfully bright kid, she's stubborn, she's confident, she's a lot of fun. We notice that she still processes some demons at night because she still doesn't sleep really well. But during the day she is a wonderfully bright girl.”

Lilly was born on March 11, 2011 in a hospital in Laos. Her biological mother was only 17 at the time and put her daughter up for adoption immediately after her birth.

“We only have information about her and we also got a photo. But we didn't get to know her."

love at first sight

At that time it quickly became clear that they were ready to adopt the little girl. When Lilly was eight months old, Beate Hoffmann and her husband Ralf Henscheidt were able to hug her for the first time in Laos.

"It sounds totally cheesy, but it was love at first sight. So in a way, we immediately felt connected to that kid.”

Connectedness, deep love, happiness - you can feel that immediately when the two parents talk about Lilly today. But the way to the adoptive child has brought her to her limits. Both have always wanted a family, children of their own and adopted children. When the desire to have children of their own did not come true, they started the adoption process in Germany.

“But we were also aware that we would have almost no chances there. Because the odds, at least at the time we were interested, said the chance of adopting a child is about 1 in 13.”

Nevertheless, they set everything in motion: employment contracts, police clearance certificate, medical certificate, financial situation - Ralf Henscheidt and his wife had to disclose everything. In addition, they received several visits from the youth welfare office and took part in a preparatory seminar. All of this was a matter of course for both of them.

"I can understand that very well. You also want such small children, who are sometimes traumatized, to be in good hands. And you just have to check: Are the future parents capable of doing this as well.”

Beate Hoffmann's mother is from Thailand. She herself lived in Africa and Asia for many years. Therefore, the couple could very well imagine adopting a child from abroad. She chose Laos because Beate Hoffmann's father worked there for years and the couple learned during his visits that many children are abandoned after birth. The two then applied to the responsible Ministry of Justice in Laos with the necessary documents for adoption. Six months later, the news came from Laos.

“There is now a need and whether we would still be ready. And then we said yes, we are ready. Of course, we first have to deal with all the big paperwork that still needs to be done.”

days, weeks, months

But the adoption process drags on. For days and weeks. Then for months. For a long time it was not even clear under which law they were allowed to adopt – national or international. Beate Hoffmann and Ralf Henscheidt run from authority to authority and answer e-mails and letters late into the night. They want to do everything right - and lose valuable time in the process. When it came to the topic of international adoption, they encountered great reservations and fears.

"I was very surprised, and sometimes shocked, at how people were sent from A to B to C to D. In our case it was like this: Then D sends you back to B. Then B complains that they didn't get back to them sooner. So in part, which we have also observed, in my opinion there is sometimes not a clear line, a clear regulation. Sometimes the procedures are very different from one city to the next. And in my opinion, there is still a lot of catching up to do to simplify that.”

Because they want to spare Lilly a home during this time, a foster mother takes care of the baby in Laos. In the meantime, Lilly falls ill and comes to a clinic with rubella and blood poisoning. In the last three months before they are allowed to eat Lilly, Beate Hoffmann takes special leave to be with Lilly in Laos. Ralf Henscheidt flies back and forth between Germany and Laos because of his job.

In the end, they get to adopt Lilly. They get a Laotian passport for their daughter, but are not allowed to enter Germany. You have to wait another eight months for the final papers. Then the family can finally go home.

"The bottom line is, if we had known what to expect: we certainly wouldn't have done it. But now that we have Lilli here, we are so happy to have her, so happy that we went through this whole process."

"It's awesome if you pick up the little one from kindergarten now. She sees you, she yells: Papa, papa. Open your arms and run into your arms. It was a crazy effort, but it was worth every effort.”

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