Paula is a surrogate mother: 'After giving birth she goes with the dads'

How a family lives together varies by country and culture, but the standard family of husband, wife and children is no longer the norm. Living together with several partners, grandchildren, adopted or foster children, eight cats or three dogs: in this series, people talk about their family. Paula (34) is married and has three children. To friends, she is currently five months pregnant.

Her own family is complete with two daughters and a son. She has been happily married to Maykel for years and works as a PE teacher at a primary school. It couldn't be more like a house-tree-animal, yet the life of the young family took a special turn three years ago.

Paula offered a childhood friend of her husband to carry a baby for him and his husband. She is now five months pregnant with a baby who will grow up in another family.

She had three exemplary pregnancies and three fantastic home births. She didn't want a fourth child, but she liked being pregnant so much that she wanted to experience that again. She discussed this with her husband.

"We have never actively looked for a couple for whom we could do this, but we have seriously discussed surrogacy. When I heard that a childhood friend wanted a child with his husband, we took the plunge and approached them."

High-tech surrogacy

Paula and her husband let the couple know that they wanted to mean something. "And then it started talking a lot. I didn't want to get pregnant with my own egg. That came too close and then it's more difficult to say goodbye to the baby after birth."

"We decided to go for high-tech surrogacy: a process in which I would become pregnant through IVF from an egg donor. We notarized everything, so that it is clear what everyone's role is in the process and the life of the child. We established that after each failed attempt I was allowed to decide for myself whether I wanted to try again."

Fortunately, after six months and four IVF attempts, it was a hit. I was pregnant.

Paula, surrogate mother

The hospital journey was intense. "I thought the treatments were better than expected. It was about putting the embryos back in place and I didn't feel anything about that. But after three failed attempts I wondered how many more attempts I wanted to make. Every hour I was in the clinic, I could I was not with my family. After six months of traveling back and forth to the clinic and four IVF attempts, luckily it was successful. I was pregnant."

The environment is sometimes in shock

Now that her big belly can be seen, she regularly ends up in confusing situations. "When I told the dentist that I was pregnant, he said to the children: 'How nice that you are having a brother or sister!' People don't understand that that's not the case."

"Sometimes I deliberately choose not to explain that I am a surrogate mother. People are sometimes in shock. Surrogacy is not common in the Netherlands and people sometimes don't know how to respond to it. The emotional safety of my family comes first That's why I tell my story, but I keep my last name and place of residence to myself."

She doesn't get money for the surrogacy. The men reimburse all expenses. "Everything I need during this pregnancy is paid for by the baby's fathers. For example, I recently bought maternity clothes, because I had all gotten rid of them after the arrival of my youngest. But of course I don't need baby stuff such as clothes and a playpen to buy."

Engorgement, loss of blood, after-effects. Normally your baby distracts you from this, but next to my maternity bed there will soon be no crib.

Paula, surrogate mother

After delivery, the baby goes to the daddies

Paula wants to give birth in a maternity hotel. "I had wonderful home births of my own children, but I deliberately do not want to experience this birth at home. After the birth of the baby, I would like to meet the baby and put her on my chest. I think that is important. But if I I have recovered from the birth and everything is going well with the baby, then she is meant to go home with her daddies."

She hopes for a smooth delivery and a good recovery, but is also realistic: "My dream deliveries do not guarantee that things will go so well again. Who knows, I will have a Caesarean section from which I will have to recover physically for much longer."

The only thing she dreads is recovering without the distraction of a brand new baby, "Engorgement, blood loss, after-effects: normally your child distracts you from this, but there will soon be no cradle next to my maternity bed. I am already preparing for this , but that will be quite difficult. Fortunately, I do receive maternity care and I have a normal maternity leave."

Maternity visit with the whole family

Her own children love that she is pregnant. "We tell them that I am a surrogate mother, so that dad's old friend can also have a family of his own. We all find it very valuable that we as a family can donate this to a gay couple."

"I am proud of how consciously we are experiencing this pregnancy with the five of us. It remains magical to feel such a small miracle kicking in your stomach. And of course I will soon go with my husband and the children to this child and her fathers on a maternity visit. Then everyone can see the baby who was with us for nine months."

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