I am a Chinese International Transracial Adoptee. I reunited with my biological family five years ago. Five years ago already, and going on six years soon. Some days it still feels surreal and other days it feels like I have always known them.
Six years ago, if you asked me when my birthday was, I would have said December 5, with an uncomfortable feeling and painful reminder of my unknown past. Now, I answer the same question with a pause of whether or not to share my birthday is July 16. If you asked me six years ago how many siblings I have, I would have said half the number I have now.
As a child, and even in my teenage years, I was told and convinced that if I was still in China I probably would not have made it through school. I would not have the same opportunities if I still lived there. I might have been hidden or, even yet, maybe not alive. I would not have had the medical care I needed. Being deaf, I would be rejected by society. I would have been poor because my family was assumed to be poor and would not have a “successful” or “happy” life. I wrestled with this supposed “truth” and “luck” I had over the years.
The wonders and beliefs continuously changed through different seasons of life. Sometimes, I could only hold anger because there was no other identifiable feeling. I often became numb and would find myself assimilating to the beliefs around me: “lucky”, “chosen”, “thankful”, “grateful”, and “God’s plan” even when I did not feel like those comments were true. Other seasons, I missed, grieved, and carried the weight of the ambiguous losses alone.
The experience of the unknown often leaves uncertainty, anxiousness, fear, and confusion. As a child, the unknown was not concrete. The differing answers about my birth parents and my past were what I had to make sense of why I was here. My understanding of my past was based on many different theoretical situations and imaginary scenarios of what possibly happened and a few documents with almost no information. Not even my birthday or finding spot was known to be exactly correct.