Open Adoption in Practice: Eunique's Story

When you have more than two parents

Multi-parenthood is an important basic idea in adoption. It means that more than one or two parents or educational figures are important in the lives of children and young people and it makes it possible to acknowledge all parties involved in adoption, if they so wish and with the nuance that each situation is viewed individually.

What does multi-parenthood in adoption look like in practice? If contact is established between adoptive parents, adopted child and first parents from or shortly after the adoption, how does this take shape? And how does everyone experience this? In this collection of stories, various people involved in adoption testify about their 'open adoption'.

The Story of Eunique

My name is Eunique and I was born in Haiti . I was barely 8 months old when I came to Belgium. My adoptive parents already had a biological son who was 3 years older.

My biological parents gave birth to 5 daughters , of which 1 daughter did not make it. This death made my uncle fear for the lives of his 2 daughters and therefore decided to give them up for adoption .

When I was born, my family was still in the same circumstances and there was no one in the family who had the means to take over the care . Since my uncle had already given up both his children and my parents had already lost 1 child, they wanted to do everything they could to keep me alive . So my parents decided to also give me up for adoption.

Contact with biological family

My [adoptive] mother tried to contact my biological parents immediately after my adoption . That was important to her, because an adopted friend had told her about the problems that could possibly arise. That friend emphasized the importance of creating a space in which adoption can be discussed and a place is given to the biological family. My mother contacted Finado (this non-profit organization offers assistance in Ethiopia and Haiti, ed.) to look for my biological parents. The search was successful and my adoptive parents then asked my biological parents if they wanted to stay in touch. The first letters

from my biological parents arrived quite soon after my arrival in Belgium . I had really only been in Belgium for a few weeks.

Openness at home

There has always been openness about my adoption. If I had questions, I knew I could ask them.

Since I came to Belgium as a baby, I automatically adopted the Flemish culture. As a child and teenager, I mainly tried to prove that I was also Flemish, which meant that I was hardly concerned with Haiti or my adoption . As far as I know,

my adoption file is complete , so that helped me to look up information. My date of birth is mentioned in it, the reason why I was given up, the region where I lived, etc. This helped me to better understand the reason for my adoption as a child.

From childhood, I knew that I was adopted. Without really realizing what it meant, I often told people that and explained that I wrote letters to my biological parents every year.

Letters

In Haiti, the language spoken is Haitian Creole, which is based on French. When I was a kid, my dad would write letters for me in French, but as I got older, I would write the letters myself .

We would share pictures and updates about how I was doing, what hobbies I was doing, and stuff like that. They would write about their lives and my sisters. Just about living there. They would always say how happy they were to hear from me. There was never any depth to the letters we exchanged.

Even though writing letters was a very logical part of growing up, I still found it difficult . It felt forced at times . Like, 'It's been a long time, you should write another letter.' As a kid, it felt like writing a letter to strangers who I rationally knew were my parents, but who were also people I didn't know at all. So, what do you say?

Return journey

When I was growing up, my parents said that we would make a roots trip to Haiti for my 18th birthday , so in 2019 it happened. The trip was also with Finado. We traveled together with another Belgian family who also adopted a child from the region where I come from.

I thought it was strange beforehand that I would actually meet my family. I also didn't really know what to expect . At that time, I still didn't know much about Haiti. We prepared the trip together with the other family and reflected on what the expectations were.

Once I arrived in Haiti, I met almost my entire family . Suddenly I was there with 15 family members and my adoptive family. I then met my 3 sisters, father, uncles/aunts and grandparents, with whom we spent a few days.

Unfortunately, I could n't meet my mother . She has young-onset dementia and at that time she wasn't doing well. Because of a delirium that made her aggressive and restless, she stayed in another place where we couldn't go. Although I felt sorry for her, I understood that it would be a traumatic experience to meet her if she reacted aggressively.

The first meeting was very emotional and overwhelming . I recognized my sisters from the pictures, but suddenly it dawned on me that I really looked like them. That was the moment I really felt that connection with them . My family was also very happy to see me after all those years. My grandmother held me. I didn't understand what she was saying, but she seemed so happy to finally see me in real life.

Communication

Communication was difficult . I was bad at French and tried to learn some Haitian Creole before the trip. Luckily there were a few people who could help translate what was said.

Since the trip, communication has improved. Now it can be done via social media . I can send messages and photos directly to my sister. Every 2 to 3 weeks we send each other an update in Creole. Google Translate has become my best friend. I am also trying to learn some Creole myself with Duolingo . My dad in Haiti doesn't have a cell phone or social media, so contact is mainly with my older sister.

In addition to the language difference, the cultural difference is also difficult. There are many Haitian traditions that I have never celebrated. I do miss that connection. I am trying to catch up on that now. For example, last year I went to an event in Brussels to celebrate 'Haitian Flag Day' (the day the Haitian flag was created). May is 'Haitian Heritage Month'. During that month I try to read even more about Haitian culture and history.

Racism

I never experienced my relationship with my parents in Haiti or here in Belgium as a conflict of loyalty . Subconsciously, these conflicts must have been there, although my adoptive parents were always open to talking to me about everything.

There is one specific topic that I always avoided and that was racism . Since I grew up with white parents and a white brother , this was the topic that I always avoided. Probably partly out of denial and shame , but also out of fear that they would minimize the impact of it.

When I look back at my childhood, I think that I often had a harder time with racism than with my adoption and the emotions that come with it. Because of a racist incident at school when I was 5 years old, I made the decision to adapt as much as possible to appear as 'Flemish' as ​​possible, in the hope of not experiencing racist incidents anymore.

As I grew older, I realized that all my attempts at assimilation had yielded nothing. I finally stopped doing this just before I turned 18 after a classmate pointed out to the whole class that racism no longer exists in Belgium and almost the entire class agreed. I felt like all the microaggressions and racist statements I had ever experienced were minimized that way .

Name

Throughout my childhood, I sometimes had difficulty with my full name : Eunique Pierre Van Doorsselaere. Eunique is the name my parents chose in Haiti, Pierre is the surname of my biological father and the surname of my adoptive father was added to that.

Many assumed that “Van Doorsselaere” was my surname and “Eunique Pierre” was my first name. Every time I met someone, I had to repeat my first name several times and then I continued the explanation about my adoption or double surname .

I was also often called Pierre or people assumed that I was a boy because of my name. In the second year of secondary school, I changed schools and a girl from my direction found my name too difficult to pronounce , so she gave me the name Sarah, because she could pronounce/remember that name. It took more than a month before she actually used my first name. I was so conflict-avoidant that I never spoke to her about it, even though I would now be more assertive.

I did track and field for a while and every competition I participated in, my name was pronounced incorrectly , even during the competitions in our village. I found that difficult since my name is actually not that difficult to pronounce.

After I met my family in Haiti, I felt a connection with them and my name , which is why it is now something I am really proud of and would never want to change.

Open adoption

When I see how many people have questions and are looking for their family or answers about their adoption, I really think open adoption is the best option .

Although I used to find it difficult, I am ultimately glad that my parents occasionally forced me to write a letter . My family in Haiti really benefited from that, I now realize. The photos they received of me when I was little were important to them. They hung the photos in their house. That had an impact , because it meant I was with them a little bit.

When I look at the situation of my uncle in Haiti and the daughters he gave up, I cannot imagine what it must be like for him. He still knows nothing about where his daughters have gone. He, like many parents in their countries of origin, has been wondering for years how his children are doing .

Almost everywhere we visited a Finado project, there were several parents waiting with questions about the children they had once given up. I think we don't think enough about the impact this must have on the original families. Since that moment I realized how lucky I was that my adoptive parents started that search immediately after my assignment.

Identity development

The trip to Haiti helped me a lot in terms of identity development . For the first time, I was effectively proud to have Haitian roots. As a child, like most people in Belgium, I was only aware of the negative aspects of Haiti. Since I have delved deeper into this, I am proud to say that I was born in Haiti, the first post-colonial black country in the world and also the first country to abolish slavery in its constitution .

These are a few small things that have had a huge impact. Because why would you be proud to come from one of the poorest countries in the world ? Everything you hear in the media about Haiti has to do with corruption, poverty, natural disasters or gang violence.

Since I wanted to better understand what has caused Haiti and other countries to experience so much poverty, this also led to my choice of study for the Master Conflict & Development .

Although I don't think (open) adoption will solve the problems in the world , I find it fascinating to see how both aspects have shaped me into the person I am today. Of course I would prefer to live in a world where poverty, illness, lack of resources, etc. do not exist or at least do not have to be reasons to give up a child. But unfortunately this is still not the reality .

Without adoption I would never be the person I am today. Although the (white) friends from my youth movement play an important part in my life, I also need an environment in which I am not the only adopted and/or brown person . I needed an environment that reflected multiple aspects of my identity. This was one of the reasons I stopped being a scout leader and became a volunteer at a-Buddy .

Although every adoptee has a unique story , there are always a number of aspects that come up that feel recognizable . The power of recognition and recognition in each other's emotions/stories is something I discovered then. By actively looking for people who are similar to me, I ended up at Umoja Ghent (a student association specifically aimed at people from the African diaspora).

I currently cannot imagine my life without my friends from a-Buddy and Umoja Gent. Although my relationship around my adoption story is constantly evolving, I am currently happy with the life I have and the person I have become .

Would you also like to share your experience with open adoption? We are still looking for testimonials from first/birth parents. Interested? Mail to kristien.wouters@steunpuntadoptie.be.

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