Looking for a home. The Story of Iresha

Iresha, 32, was born in India and adopted as a baby by Dutch adoptive parents. Iresha is 12 years old when she dares to confide in someone and talks about how things really go at home. She is removed from home at the age of 15. She spends her teenage years in various youth care institutions.

Years later she has her life on her own. She lives in Antwerp where she is educated at the art academy and works on her artworks with great passion. This is her story.

Where I come from

I grew up in a family with Dutch parents. After my arrival in the Netherlands, my parents adopted my sister from Colombia. My mother got pregnant twice more. She interrupted one pregnancy and when I was 7 years old, they had another son. I've always felt different. I looked different from the people around me.

When I was 5 years old I traveled to India with my adoptive parents to meet my biological mother. This was a traumatic experience. I was too young to be confronted with my background; the different culture in India and the poverty that I saw. When I got off the plane and was confronted by the people living on the street, I threw up.

I did not understand the purpose of the trip. I had to wait in a hotel room, there I would meet my biological mother. My adoptive mother told me that I was not allowed to show that I was her child because there was family present who did not know about the adoption. I understood that my biological mother had to give me up because she was not married and this was a great shame.

I was always a quiet child, but after this trip I returned to myself more. I had to process the journey and meeting my biological mother. I felt guilty growing up in wealth and other kids not. Sinterklaas gifts were no longer necessary for me. The journey was no longer discussed at home.

How it got worse

When I was 7 years old a lot changed in our lives. My brother was born, my mother had an abortion and a good friend of my parents died. All these developments made my mother ill. She was manic depressive and had psychoses. She said she didn't want to see me and my adopted sister again. She said my biological mother had sent a letter telling me not to contact her anymore. I have never read this letter, my adoptive mother has always been vague about it.

My mother has been admitted to a psychiatric institution a few times, but the psychological help never got through for her, she was not motivated either.

I have always taken care of my brother and sister because my mother couldn't do this and my father was always working. I watched the maternity nurse take care of my newborn brother and therefore knew how to give him the bottle. I had to do this because my mom didn't.

We were beaten daily at home and screamed; my father mainly yelled at my brother and my mother yelled at me and my sister. We were not allowed to go outside, our clothes were not allowed to get dirty. Sometimes we were locked in our room and we were not given food. There was no mention of the problems that existed. The shame was great.

She saw me!

When I went to high school I told my story to a friend. She told this to a teacher and that's how things started rolling. That teacher has reported to Veilig Thuis (at the time: The AMK).

A counselor from Safe at Home came to school to talk to me. I was taken out of class. I was afraid to talk, soon my parents would hear this and then I would be beaten. She told me that a letter had been sent stating that Safe at Home wanted to talk to me and my parents.

The days after this conversation at school I did not dare to do anything wrong. I was so afraid that my mother would 'go crazy' and Safe Home wouldn't believe my side of the story. My mother could manipulate someone like the best. One day when I got home from school, the counselor had already arrived. I couldn't talk to this lady properly because I didn't know how to deal with all the tensions I felt. My mother indicated that there was an adoption problem. After this conversation I had to go to my room, I did not receive any food that evening. The misery continued, nothing changed.

Help was deployed by school. I talked to a school social worker. It was difficult for me; I enjoyed being listened to, but I was also afraid of the consequences if I honestly told how things were going at home.

Help was provided for my brother and sister, and we also followed a KOPP course, especially for children of parents with psychological problems, which I experienced as positive.

The Youth Care Agency and the Child Care and Protection Board were involved. I can't remember anything about a council investigation. A family supervision order was advised, I was 14 years old at the time. I had to go to court, which was very exciting to me. There were many people in the room and I had to tell my story. Fortunately, I was also only allowed to speak to the juvenile judge. I was then able to say what I wanted to say; that my house is not right and that my parents are having problems. I felt like I was being listened to.

I got a family guardian. I have benefited a lot from her. I could always call her; when she was working, but also outside office hours. She saw me! She also had conversations with my parents and identified problems. She has been my family guardian to my 18 e birthday.

The custodial placement

I was 15 years old when I was removed from home. Since no foster family was willing to take me in, I had to go to an in-room training center in the big city. After 9 months this turned out not to be the right place for me. At 16 years old, I was the youngest in the group and could not settle well with the other young people who drank alcohol and used drugs.

On my 17 e I was placed in another group. It was a group especially for young people who needed a lot of structure and control. I felt double punished and not heard at all. I resisted everything and everyone for six months. I took drugs, dropped out of school, didn't feel like doing anything, had no friends, and became rebellious. I had a tattoo and my mother was therefore not allowed to see my brother and sister for six months. Around this time the pent-up anger came out. The group leaders gave me a punching bag. Hitting the punch bag worked well. Sometimes I had the idea of ??running away, but I didn't know where to go. I had no one.

I began to realize that I had to have a plan to live somewhere. It couldn't go on like this any longer. It was then that I had the opportunity to play a role in the youth council of the institution. That felt good! I could do something, I had a goal and I could mean something for myself and others.

When I was 18 years old, the family supervision order expired. I got the offer to get help for my 21 th . My family guardian left Youth Care and I was assigned someone else. I didn't click with her. In the group I had to make way for a girl of 15 years old. I was able to go to a building focused on room training, but this project was not yet well thought out and ready to coach people. It was messy and it affected my life. I had started school, but also stopped again. I was obsessed with sports and developed an eating disorder.

I was transferred to another group. I was 19 years old and was placed with 13 year olds. This didn't work. A 7-month admission to an eating disorders clinic followed. After this recording I was placed with a family with 3 girls with whom I did not have a good connection. I left there and ended up on the street.

I was 20 years old, it was winter and I was on the street, nowhere to go; not to my parents, not to a group and I had no friends. I went to the Youth Care office, but had to leave because I had kicked a scene there. I was advised to go to the homeless shelter. I wandered the streets for 3 nights.

I came into contact with a girl I knew from the clinic, who lived in a student room. I lived with her for 9 months. During this time I started to follow therapy and I started to think about what I want in my life. I knew I had to get out of the city where there were so many memories; away from everything that had taken place there. I decided to study art so that I would regain purpose and more structure in my life.

A critical look

I lived in a group for many years and if possible, I would have preferred to live at home again with good guidance as soon as possible. Life in a group with young people you don't know is hard. Not everyone can perform the profession of a group counselor, you must have quite a few qualities to create order, peace and a safe climate in a group. The recurring evaluation interviews felt like evaluation interviews. Negative behavior was often magnified. Damaged children often show negative behavior and they should not be compared to healthy developed children.

A lot has been said about me, but less with me. As a result, the focus was not always on what was really necessary or suited me well. It is a challenge for a youth care worker to work outside of protocols, to use more creativity if this has the goal of being able to help a young person tailor-made. My family guardian has always said to me; 'you can always call me, day and night', I found that very valuable. A permanent contact was very important to me so that I could build a relationship of trust. It was good of her that she spoke to both my parents so that there was clarity for everyone. I always preferred conversations in other places than in the office, it is so much nicer to talk in an environment that was familiar to me and less formal.

At times I have been able to experience what it is like to have a 'home feeling'. A safe place, someone who was always there, doing fun things like going on holiday with the group. That was valuable. Unfortunately, due to all the relocations in my life, I had to keep looking for that feeling. Growing up within organizations is hard work; you have to claim your place in the group, you cannot be yourself completely and you have to be careful not to become the piss. As a result, I often showed socially desirable behavior and had lost who I really was. I still struggle with that from time to time.

Where I want to go

For a long time I felt that I was 'the problem child'. I have a 'youth care stamp' and therefore feel an urge to work extra hard to show that I can succeed in life.

I have been able to give my life a positive spin. The training I follow suits me. I can express my creativity, I love working with art and I have a strong bond with my classmates and teachers. They feel like family to me.

I have good contact with my brother and sister again. My brother is doing badly, he went off the rails about three years ago. He is depressed and suicidal and is regularly admitted to a psychiatric institution. I will continue to take care of him.

I have very little contact with my adoptive parents. My mother has had severe psychosis, she cannot take care of herself but refuses therapy.

My future lies in the art world. I want to continue studying and work hard to further develop my own work. One day I would like to become a mother myself. I am convinced that you do not necessarily have to carry a child to become a mother. Maybe I want to become a foster parent, because every child deserves a safe home. '

In this interview series, young adults tell the story of their childhood in a personal capacity. Their experiences with the youth care chain are central to this. Some experiences are good, some less, some bad. These interviews are intended to make the child's voice heard and to learn from their experiences. Both the good and the bad. For the privacy of the interviewee, names and some details have been anonymised.

Written by: Andrea Stok

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