My Family: Miranda (49) single-handedly adopted Mica (5) from Haiti

How a family lives together varies by country and culture, but the standard family of husband, wife and children is no longer the norm. Living together with several partners, adult children, grandchildren, adopted or foster children, eight cats or three dogs: in this series people talk about their families. This week: Miranda Tollenaar (49), who single-handedly adopted daughter Mica (5) from Haiti.

By Hannah König

Miranda Tollenaar had a traditional picture in mind: marry a nice man, four children. Her great wish was a large family with both biological and adopted children. The pedagogical employee from Arnhem did not meet the love of her life and therefore decided to fulfill her wish to have children alone. Recently, her dream came true: she became the mother of five-year-old Mica from Haiti.

Waited eleven years for an adopted baby

Tollenaar took the time to discover who she was, traveled extensively and worked for charities. She was open to a husband, but the right partner did not come along. Relationships broke down, but her desire to have children remained. "I consciously chose not to let the children pass by me. I decided to go for adoption from abroad on my own. That moment was eleven years ago. How did I survive all this time? I kept thinking : it will take a maximum of two or three years and then I will be a mother."

Eleven years of waiting is a long time, yet she remained remarkably positive: "I am such a nature, but this attitude also has to do with my faith and how I approach life. Because a miracle is always an option in my eyes, I go out of good. When the news came that adoptions from abroad were no longer going ahead, I thought, if this isn't it for me, then I'm going to do foster care. I've never lost hope of taking care of a child."

Mica learns about a year of language per month, so before the end of this year she will speak Dutch.

Miranda

Preventing child trafficking

Adopting a child is not easy. As a prospective parent, you will be extensively screened and that is an intense process. "You can think: anyone can just have a child, why not me? But when you consider that all these complicated and long procedures are there to prevent child trafficking, then you can only be happy about it."

The day the adoption agency called that she had a daughter, she became a mother. "That phone call changed my life forever. I walked into the supermarket and thought: I'm the mother of a girl! It was an unreal but wonderful moment, which I had been living for years."

If you want to adopt a child, you must be admitted to the adoption procedure. The Adoption Facility Foundation decides on this. Read on Ouders van Nu what those criteria are.

Maternity week and culture shock

There is a year between the phone call and the arrival of her daughter in the Netherlands. "An earthquake, riots, corona: it was an eventful time. I was allowed to make video calls with Mica to get to know her and saw a beautiful girl on the screen that I immediately closed in my heart. I sent her presents and looked in my best clothes online to her Christmas show, like a mother does for her daughter."

Mica has been living with Tollenaar in Arnhem for a few months now. "I compare the first weeks with a maternity period. It was beautiful and intense. Mica was in a culture shock, but my life also changed completely. I felt that we had to take it easy, it was too much too soon. Everything was new for Mica She didn't know what an airplane was and had never been to a supermarket. I made sure she didn't have to eat too much in one day. If I didn't, she would cry at the end of the day. Heartbreaking. "

Alone is comfortable, together is richer

The most frequently asked question Tollenaar gets is how she communicates with her daughter. "Luckily you don't need a lot of language to communicate. I work at a nursery with babies and I know exactly what a baby needs. There are no words for that. In recent months I have learned to listen to Mica. She learns about a month a year's worth of language, so before the end of this year she will speak Dutch."

She finds it special how the arrival of her child opens hearts. Everyone is interested in her street and at work and they empathize with her family. "Mica could have been my biological daughter in character, we are a lot alike. She is a bit more spirited and switches quickly in her emotions, but this makes it easier to understand each other."

Parenting is more intense than she imagined. "You have to be there for the other person more than for yourself. Alone it is more comfortable, but together with my child I find my life a lot richer."

"