My name is Radhika, and I was adopted from India when I was 17 months old. My birth mother gave me up when I was 10 months old, and I was in an orphanage for 7 months before being adopted. For the majority of my life, I have shoved anything related to my adoption down so far that I couldn’t feel the pain. But it’s all coming up and has overwhelmed me to the point that I feel lost. I am now a 25-year-old living in South Dakota going through so many emotions revolving around being adopted: grief, loss, anger and sorrow.
Growing up I didn’t deal with the trauma of losing my birth parents because, well, I was adopted and had a family. But I hated the fact that I was different from my adoptive family. Except for my brother who was also was adopted from India, they were all white. But my brother wasn’t biologically related so I felt like an outsider. To be honest I still feel like that to this day.
I hated my skin color, oh how I hated being brown! I hated it so much that I would wear long-sleeve shirts and pants to just hide my skin. I did this up until my high school years. I also hated my name, I hated the fact I was from India. I would act like I wasn’t from another country. I literally hated EVERYTHING about myself. All I wanted was to fit in with my family and the town I lived in. But that was damaging, and I am still recovering from the pain I put myself through. I am saddened looking at it now, as an adult. That little girl definitely did not deserve that.
I was 12 when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Along with being adopted with trauma, it felt like too much. Though I had a family, I felt alone. All of this impacted my life into being either good or bad. There were no in-betweens. After being diagnosed with my mental illness, I began hating my birth mom even more than I already did. Back when I was 12, all I saw was how she had given me up. I felt like I hadn’t been good enough for her and she hadn’t loved me. And the realization that she may have given me a mental illness made me even angrier and more resentful toward her.
I began therapy sessions soon after and this resentment became a large part of it. Though it seemed pointless to talk about, I began to understand how traumatic it was for me. A child that needed unconditional love had been given up. Though my memories before being adopted are shaky, the emotions that the trauma left behind remained.